7. Existential Crisis Revisited

I am still here. 

I am all the cliches (what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I'm a better person for it, etc). I am awake and I can take care of myself and I can have what I want. I am Jack's sense of self-awareness. I read this article that said every woman has the exact love life she wants. I'm not sure I agree with that, since the love life I want is one that involves a man and me in a committed partnership and right now I don't have that. But I do believe that I have the power to create the situation I want and that whatever situation I'm in must be the one I wanted since I created it. Circular logic? I am now creating a situation where I can find the love I need. Good god, I'm 37 soon - how did this happen? I still feel like my life is passing me by while I'm waiting for it to start, but the scenery is just a lot more interesting. Okay so I have seen and done a lot more in the past 10 years than most people ever will in their whole lives, but it didn't make me happy. It was just an interesting way to kill time. Goal achieved - time has been killed. Here I am with not much to show for it except more stamps in my passport. I know I sound disingenuous, but I really enjoyed all the traveling and everything I have done. I have a great career and I have achieved so much...but at night, when I get into bed, I do feel alone. What's it all for when you live your life alone? I get to do whatever I want, even drink out of the orange juice container if I want...and so many couples I know are not particularly happy...but still, I wish I had a partner to share my life with. I don't even care about marriage & kids so much, but I do care about moving into middle age alone. 

 Existential crisis revisited: What is the point of life? What is the point of going on this journey if I can't find a destination that makes it worthwhile? What happens when you are so busy going somewhere that you forget where it is you're going? I had a plan, but it got lost or forgotten, or else it was just a facade. What do I do now? I changed, I grew up, I put away childish things, I took on the responsibilities of adulthood...now what? There has to be more. 

 All I ever wanted was a family. The simplest thing. So many people have it. A place to belong, people who miss you during the holidays, somewhere to hang your proverbial hat. My friends say I just need to be patient, but if one more person says to me that the right guy is out there for me somewhere, I just haven't found him yet, I AM GOING TO SCREAM!!! 

 I never thought I would be approaching 40 and still be unmarried and in no danger of even becoming attached. I feel like the most pathetic loser on the whole planet. I keep looking back at my growing list of ex-boyfriends and wondering, should I have stayed with one of them and tried harder to make it work? Well, really...I think not. I had a good reason for ending it every time. Hell, I should have ended most of the relationships sooner. I learned something every time and grew as a person through the experience, so I do not regret them. 

Sometimes I wonder what became of them, the men I loved. Did they grow up? Sort out their problems? Do they ever think of me? There were positive parts to our time together or else the relationship - and the memory of it - would not have persisted. But every heartbreak makes it that much harder to try again. My heart seems shattered and glued/duct-taped/papier-mached back together so many times it hardly seems like a functioning organ. And still, I keep hoping *next time* maybe...

And I ask myself repeatedly WHY why do I feel this desire to unite myself with a man? My friends say there is nothing wrong with me, and it proves that I'm sane that I would at least examine myself as the source of the problem (if there is one). It isn't necessarily marriage I'm after...I know there is no such thing as "security" (people get divorced every day). I just want a friend with whom to share the journey. Yeah I've got girlfriends galore...what I want is an intimate relationship with a real MAN. 

The answer I keep coming up with is simple: I'm lonely. It's not that I can't be alone - I've more than proven that I can do that. I've been alone quite a bit over the last seven years, with one serious two-year relationship in that time. I actually like my time to myself and I enjoy my own company. I don't think it means I'm wrong or weak to want to share my time and my life with someone special. Isn't that the normal order of things? Aren't people supposed to want that? 

Sometimes I feel like a failure because I have not achieved this union. Mostly because I've wasted so much time chasing what seems like a dream. I've grown a bit pathetic because I'm so lonely I swoon when the first Johnny-come-lately blinks an eye in my direction. Then I allow myself to get swept away by the dream that might finally be coming true, the one dream I can't make true for myself. Then I wake up slapping my own face (like "Tommy Boy") saying "stupid, stupid stupid" stupid me for thinking I could have love. 

 I finally realized my mistake in being so attached to an outcome that I let it drive me nuts....and I was able to let go and just enjoy every day and flow with life...is it too late? My biggest fear is that I'll finally find someone but be too jaded to go for it, that I'll be too closed to ever allow myself to be loved, and that I'll wind up old and alone living with 50 cats. And any man that I'd want, I'll never find him because he's at home reading a book or writing his own obscure blog, lamenting about where in the world is he going to find me? 

 I should start a new website, a dating service where lonelyhearts can find each other. I'm like the female "Lonely Guy". I have all these great qualities...funny, confident, honest, self-aware, good cook, neat & tidy, literate, tolerates sports, carries own baggage, loves sex, financially responsible, not a fatty...qualities men say they want in a partner. Men say they want these qualities then they pick women who are idiots with big boobs and a tiny ass who treat them like shit and then they ask, why?

Meanwhile, I get passed over like a diamond in the rough and wind up letting myself go cheaply to douchebags. And I don't feel any closer to an answer. Why isn't just living enough? Why can't I be happy with just my life? Why do I have this thing in me crying out for a partner? Does anyone else feel this way or am I really nuts? How do I keep from becoming bitter and jaded and iron-clad? How do I find the love I want? I suppose if I knew the answer to that I'd be rich AND married. 

I wish I knew what to do, but this isn't a puzzle I can solve on my own. I will end with "Desiderata," advice I try to give myself: 

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass. Take kindly to the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy. (Max Ehrmann c.1920)

6. Is it love, or a mutual strangulation society?

Martha Beck wrote an article called "How to Know If It's Real Love" which I excerpted heavily here because I didn't want to lose what to me felt like vital information. Her article describes what sounds like the definition of a healthy relationship. I wanted to refer back to it often for reality-checking, and I wanted to write more myself on the ideas she expressed. I have found it to be very helpful.

 Here are five ways to get a real grip on the real thing: In a folktale that has been retold for centuries in many variations (one of which is Shakespeare's King Lear), an elderly king asks his three daughters how much they love him. The two older sisters deliver flowery speeches of filial adoration, but the youngest says only "I love you as meat loves salt." The king, insulted by this homely simile, banishes the youngest daughter and divides his kingdom between the older two, who promptly kick him out on his royal heinie. He seeks refuge in the very house where his third daughter is working as a scullery maid. Recognizing her father, the daughter asks the cook to prepare his meal without salt. The king eats a few tasteless mouthfuls, then bursts into tears. "All along," he cries, "it was my youngest daughter who really loved me!" The daughter reveals herself and all ends happily (except in King Lear, where pretty much everybody dies). 

Each of the following five statements is the polar opposite of what many people see as loving commitment. But these are "meat loves salt" commitments, as necessary as they are unconventional. Only if you and your beloved can honestly say them to each other is your relationship likely to thrive. (Think if you have ever said or felt some of these sentiments and realize what you are really saying...) Want an honest and long-lasting relationship? The five best things to tell yourself in Relationships... 

1. I can live without you, no problem. "I can't live," wails the singer, "if living is without you." The emotion that fuels this kind of relationship isn't love; it's desperation. It can feel romantic at first, but over time it invariably fails to meet either partner's needs. If this is how you feel, don't start dating. Start therapy. Counseling can teach you how to get your needs met by the only person responsible for them: you. "I can live without you" is an assurance that sets the stage for real love. 

 2. My love for you will definitely change. Most human beings seem innately averse to change. Once we've established some measure of comfort or stability, we want to nail it in place so that there's no possibility of loss. Unfortunately, this is another promise that is more likely to scuttle a relationship than shore it up. The reason is that everything-and everyone-is constantly changing. We age, grow, learn, get sick, get well, gain weight, lose weight, find new interests and drop old ones. Many people fear that if their love is free to change, it will vanish. The opposite is true. A love that is allowed to adapt to new circumstances is virtually indestructible. 

 3. You're not everything I need. I'm a big fan of sexual monogamy, but I'm puzzled by lovers who claim that their romantic partner is the only person they need in their lives or that time together is the only activity necessary for emotional fulfillment. Humans are designed to live in groups, explore ideas, and constantly learn new skills. Trying to get all this input from one person is like trying to get a full range of vitamins by eating only ice cream. When a couple believes "We must fulfill all of each other's needs", each becomes exhausted by the effort to be all things to the other and neither can develop fully as an individual. Sacrificing all our individual needs doesn't strengthen a relationship. Mutually supporting each other's personal growth does. 

 4. I won't always hold you close. There's a thin line between a romantic statement like "I love you so much, I want to share my life with you until death do us part" and the lunatic-fringe anthem "I love you so much that if you try to leave me, I'll kill you." People who say such things love others the way spiders love flies; they love to capture them, wrap them in immobilizing fetters, and drain nourishment out of them at peckish moments. This is not the kind of love you want. The way you can tell real love from spider love is simple: Possessiveness and exploitation involve controlling the loved one, whereas true love is based on setting the beloved free to make his or her own choices. 

 5. You and I aren't one. Perhaps you are neither a spider nor a fly, but a chameleon who morphs to match the one you love. Or you may date chameleons, choosing partners who conform to your personality. Either way, you're not in a healthy relationship. In fact, you're not in a relationship at all. If you're living by the "We are one" ideal, it's high time you found out how terrific love for two can be. Follow your heart in a direction your partner wouldn't go. Dare to explore your differences. Agree to disagree. If you're accustomed to disappearing, this will allow you to see that you can be loved as you really are. If you tend to dominate, you'll find out how interesting it is to love an actual person rather than a human mirror.

My thanks to Martha Beck and to Oprah for publishing the article.

5. On Mother's Day

Everybody loves their Mama, right? Do you have any idea what kind of hellish day this is for those of us who have less fortunate relationships with our mothers? A Mom is more than just someone who squirted a kid out of her womb, but sometimes the woman in question falls short of the task of motherhood. Her children are left grappling with trying to figure out why Mom doesn't care, or hurts them, or abandons them. Today's column is about the flipside of Mother's Day, dedicated to everyone who has the opposite of the mother in the Hallmark greeting card. And for those of you who do have a Mom that you love and who loves you, let this serve as a reminder to you to truly be grateful not just today, but every day.


I wrote this letter to my mother in April of 2008. I had to purge the things I wanted to say but which she would never be able to hear or understand, and come to terms with my feelings about her mental illness. There was so much pain and resentment built up, and this letter was part of my catharsis in letting go of her. Guilt was keeping me bound to her, and I was so angry when I wrote this...but I had to move on to save myself. Giving it to her would have been pointless, but writing as if I was saying the things I needed to say really helped me. I wanted to share it so that others could have the courage to break away from parents who abuse their adult children (regardless of the reason). The thing that keeps many of us coming back is that we want Mommy or Daddy to love us, and it's so hard to accept that someone we love and need is not capable of being the person we want them to be. Letting go can be the only way to stop being hurt.

Dear Mom:

I don't mind helping you, but I don't like feeling like you are waiting for me to take charge and do it all for you. Especially when you start giving me a song and dance about how I have no right to want some household artifacts/furniture/heirlooms that I had (stupidly?) thought I would inherit, but you now want to sell (how did you feel when Grammy gave her things to Aunt Charmaine or Dan left you out of his will? Do you really think I have hung on this long just for some bloody furniture? It belittles me that you say these things). How do you think I feel when you say that you can do whatever you want with your things, including selling them to get more money/make your move easier, and that you expect me to help you do this? Then you make it sound like I only want your stuff and I don't care about you. I am so sick of the endless guilt trips - that is one thing that makes you very unpleasant to be around. You make it a self-fulfilling prophecy by driving away the people you want love and attention from, including your daughters.

As my visit to you draws nearer, I dread fighting with you but I cannot think of coming down there without being honest about the way I feel and the way it galls me. You want everything you think you should expect from a daughter, but I'm not supposed to ask for or expect a thing from you as a mother. You say you want to have a better relationship with me, but I still don't feel like you have ever really listened to me. For example, I've been writing an online journal for 7 years - how many times have you looked at it? Except for the one time I literally shoved it in your face and I still had to read it out loud to you. You spend hours on the internet reading blogs written by strangers, but not your own kid. And now I know exactly what you're thinking, you'll just move to Panama and we won't have to worry about you and you'll die alone and nobody will come to your funeral because nobody loves you. Well, have fun at your pity party, because I am not coming. It's comments like that that are part of the self-fulfilling prophecy I referenced earlier.

Sometimes I feel like I am only good to you for your self-glorification, high drama, and martyrdom, be it positive or negative extremes. I hate the way you take credit for my achievements in life, like "I must have done something right as a mother because you didn't turn out too bad, I'm so proud of you." You are the undisputed queen of backhanded compliments. Or the opposite, sarcasm dripping with bitterness meant to eviscerate me emotionally and intended to hurt.

I am sorry you were hurt by your parents. I am sorry you feel I ruined your life by being born. Please stop taking it out on me. You want me to forgive and forget all the hurts? You must as well. And most importantly, you absolutely have to stop hurting me.

I know unequivocally that you will not fail in continuing to abuse me during our visit because you are incapable of not doing so. As your daughter, I have never been able to rid myself of the hope that you could someday be the mother I STILL NEED (unlike T, who was able to get over you). This is the one thing that gives you the power to hurt me every time. I know this and it makes me ache with disappointment with you, and at my inability to let you go, because I keep coming back for more abuse with the vain hope that "this time, she will be different." It's just as sickeningly co-dependent as a woman who keeps going back to the alcoholic husband who beats her when he's drunk because she loves him when he's sober...she hopes it will be the last time, but she knows he will hit her again, and she just dreads it and braces for it. Or a dog still loyal to the master who kicks it.

Didn't you ever wonder why I chose a life a million miles away from you? I'm not going to be your dog anymore.

But yet I'm sure you missed the message between the lines. Of course, I love you and want a relationship with you that can work...but every time, I get disgusted by comments romanticizing your suicide, my disappointing you, how other strangers are better than me, and the previously mentioned tactics. You excuse these away as symptoms of a mental illness (the blame game again, it's not your fault because you can't control yourself), the diagnosis of which you won't even discuss, but yet I'm just supposed to forgive and forget. Several years ago, I told you that if you wanted us to trust you and forgive you for the hurtful things you said and did, you had to stop doing them. If you admit that you can't control yourself from doing hurtful things to people around you, how can you blame said people for not wanting to be in the path of your destruction? You're a friggin' runaway train and I'm tied to the tracks with your apron strings! Well, Mama, I'm cutting myself loose.

Let me give you a piece of unsolicited advice: if you are unhappy with your life, you have to take responsibility for the choices you made that got you where you are if you want to give yourself the power to change it. Everybody is sick to death of listening to you blame your mother or your ex-husbands or someone else (the government, me, aliens, etc.) for everything that's happened to you as if you were totally helpless or blameless. Maybe you were helpless as a child, but you are not now. They haven't been a part of your life for over 20 years. You always blame somebody else or something else for things that happen to you or things you do (It's not my fault because...), and I'm tired of being your pincushion, your human target whenever I'm within arrow range. If you take responsibility for yourself, then you empower yourself to make changes that will improve your life. Why do you insist on giving your power away?? It really breaks my heart sometimes to see you so alone and bitter. And it absolutely terrifies me that I might wind up like that. Maybe that is why I keep trying to save you (although I'm sure you don't see it that way).

Anyhow, I'm sure I'll get a three-sentence response about how we'll talk about it when I get there...I half expect you to tell me to fuck off, because I doubt you'll be able to actually hear my message or respond to it in an appropriate fashion - you'll just get inflamed at how unfair I'm being. Whatever. I can't control you, I can only stay out of your path. I really don't expect you to change. You know you hurt the people who get close to you so don't blame me for keeping my distance most of the time, but try to recognize how I still love you and wish you could do right by me by continuing to come back for your abuse. Is this a vain hope? Well, I guess I'll have to wait and see.

Love, [me]

Do you want to know what happened? Can you guess? I didn't have the heart to give her the letter. I knew she wouldn't understand and it would only hurt her and make her angry.

When I arrived in Houston for our visit, she went off on me, the details are too tragic to repeat. But guess what? I broke free!!! I finally walked away. It took me a year to get over the guilt of leaving her behind, and another year to get over the guilt of being so happy now that I'm Free Of Her. It sucks not having a Mom or Dad but it sucks even more to be stuck on a parent that can't stop hurting you.

There is a fable that helped me understand my mother's mental illness and my decision to remove myself from her life. Have you heard about the scorpion and the frog?

One day, a scorpion decided that she wanted a change. She wanted to cross a river and live on the other side. The river was wide and swift, and the scorpion couldn't get across.
The scorpion saw a frog sitting in the rushes by the bank of the stream and decided to ask the frog for help. "Frog! Would you be so kind as to give me a ride on your back across the river?" "Well now, Mr. Scorpion! How do I know that if I try to help you, you wont try to kill me?" asked the frog hesitantly. "Because," the scorpion replied, "If I try to kill you, then I would die too, for you see I cannot swim!" Now this seemed to make sense to the frog, so the frog agreed to take the scorpion across the river. The scorpion crawled onto the frog's back, his sharp claws prickling into the frog's soft hide, and the frog slid into the river. The muddy water swirled around them, but the frog stayed near the surface so the scorpion would not drown. He kicked strongly through the first half of the stream, his flippers paddling wildly against the current. Halfway across the river, the frog suddenly felt a sharp sting in his back and, out of the corner of his eye, saw the scorpion remove his stinger from the frog's back. A deadening numbness began to creep into his limbs. "You fool!" croaked the frog, "Now we shall both die! Why on earth did you do that?" The scorpion shrugged, and replied, "I couldn't help it, I'm a scorpion." And they both sank into the muddy waters of the swiftly flowing river.

My mother, incidentally, was born in November. She is literally the scorpion in the story, and she can't help hurting people around her. She refuses medication or help, saying she has the right to live her life the way she wants. Eventually, I had to concede her point...but also realize that I have the right to not be around her. All I can do is give her a wide berth.

So, the moral of this story is.... If you have a Mom (or Dad) that treats you well and you love each other, please hug them for me and be grateful for your family. If you have a Mom or Dad who hurts you, try to find the strength to walk away and let go. Don't let your natural desire for parental love cause you to get sucked into being abused as an adult, don't let your craving for something you can never have drive you crazy. It was seriously the hardest thing I have ever done in my life but finally, I feel happy and free. Oddly enough, after the first year, the hardest thing to get over was the guilt I had at just how happy I was without her in my life and dealing with feeling like I'd abandoned her. But last Christmas was one of my happiest...there was no family, so there was no fighting, drama, or crying. I'll always be there for her if she needs me; I don't hate her, and I respect her right to find her own happiness, but I won't let myself get run over by the runaway train anymore.

4. This Post is Dedicated to Tools

Dudes, don't be a huge tool. Believe me, chicks are not all bitches, but sometimes y'all do some stupid-ass stuff that just makes the bitchiness come out. Now, you have heard me and probably other women you know complain ad nauseum about not receiving enough male attention, so you'd think I'd be glad to get some flattery while out dancing.

Yes it's true, to a point. Well, I dedicate this blog to Tool in an Orange T-shirt. This is the superfreak who was apparently drunk enough that his beer goggles kicked in to high-gear when he spotted me minding my own business on a dancefloor just getting a tiny groove on. I am glad my 37-year old ass can still inspire the kind of gymnastics this young man displayed in leaping into my personal space, but I was so stunned at his ferocity and proximity that I didn't know how to react. All I could do was stand there with my mouth open while he proceeded to hump my leg like a randy chihuahua. He never even paused to look me in the eye or say hello, or god forbid, introduce himself, before attempting feats that could get a man arrested without proper consent. When he became aware I was not playing along and was, in fact, attempting to disengage myself from his affections, he threw his arms up in the air, muttered something unintelligible (and most likely derogatory, based on the dirty look he flashed me - finally some eye contact!), and began stomping up and down as hard as humanly possible in what looked like an epileptic seizure, flailing his arms about so vehemently that he displaced the drinks of two innocent bystanders, and then ran off into the crowd. About six people including me were left wondering, "what the fuck was that?"

The whole incident occurred in less time than it took you to read that paragraph. It left me feeling even more hopelessly disconnected from modern dating rituals...if this is today's courtship ritual, I do NOT know the corresponding response (is "fuck off" still acceptable?). Now what this poor mentally deranged young man didn't know is that I am probably an easy target for someone who has one iota of suave politeness to his moves. I'm a hot, single, responsible adult who might be up for some consensual shenanigans with a nice man, but dudes, please! if you are hot for a woman, do NOT hump her leg until you have at LEAST introduced yourself! It is extremely simple to meet women when your competition acts like that fool.

Here are a few VERY EASY steps to picking up ANY woman (or man):

1. Go to the bathroom and check yourself.

2. This is key: look in the mirror and think to yourself: "It doesn't matter what anyone thinks of me, it matters what I think of myself - and I kick ass!". Not everyone is going to agree that you kick ass, but we all have our own opinions...as long as you are confident in yourself then you won't care if you get shot down, thus making you more relaxed and confident. Rejections are based on a lot of factors, so if you do get shot down, don't take it personally - how can you, the person who just shot you down doesn't know you at all, and just gave up the chance to get to know you.

3. Smile. Walk right up to her and Smile.

4. Extend your hand. Introduce yourself. Say "Hello, my name is (Beelzebubba). What is your name?"

5. Hopefully, she will respond with her name. If not, she is a rude bitch and you are wasting your time. Anyone who can resist a simple smile and handshake over the polite exchange of names is not good dating material.

6. DO NOT try to say something witty at this point. Guys, RESIST the urge to become a casualty of dating. Girls have learned not to trust guys, so wow her with your honesty: "There's something about you that caught my attention and I really wanted to meet you." If it is her HUGE DD tits, do NOT say that OR look at her chest. Look at her face when you say this.

7. Now that you have been charming and polite, she may be a tad more willing to hear what else you have to say, even if you don't look like Brad Pitt. This is the time to find out if your presence is welcome. Invite her to do something with you: " Would you like to (dance/play pool/shoot darts/thumb wrestle/have a drink) with me?" This usually separates the women who may be interested in you from the bitches who are interested in getting a free drink. I hate to admit it, but players exist in both genders and it is reprehensible but still something to contend with.

8. DO NOT go get the drinks and bring them back, take her to the bar or another table where she can still see her friends (her safety net). A real woman does not need a man to wait on her nor does she need a doormat. It also gets her far enough away from her friends that you can actually have her attention. Plus, if she goes with you, you know she is interested. If she won't step away, either she is unavailable or uninterested. take the hint.

9. Now is your chance. Most people love talking about themselves, especially women, so to get her interested in you, ASK HER QUESTIONS about herself. She will realise you really do want to get to know her better. Don't ask her anything too personal straight off. My standby question is, "So, what do you do for fun (besides come here)?" That should provide a whole list of things you can segue into for conversation. You can answer your own questions after she has answered them. Hopefully you will find you have some things in common. Women love to talk and they will feel much more comfortable around a guy they feel they can talk to. You never know, you could wind up having a great conversation while drinking margaritas and she will feel so comfortable, like she knows you, that she will willingly fuck your brains out all night, without hardly any effort on your part.

10. DO NOT LIE. There are plenty of fish in the sea and if you discover that you two just don't have much in common, or that her huge tits distracted you from her devastating personal hygiene, or whatever, extricate yourself politely and move on. Thank her for her time and say "It was nice meeting you." If you really do like her though, try to resist closing the deal on the first night. Many women who feel like a man respects them will give it up quickly enough (like the next date). Just get her number or facebook her or whatever, and plan a nice date.

I have complied this handy tip sheet based on the experiences of someof the women I know and how they say they would like to be approached...which is basically the oppositte of how most dudes approach us - like the Tool in the Orange T-Shirt. How many times have I thought, after I had to walk/run away or go hide in the bathroom, "...if that guy wasn't such a fucking tool he would have totally scored!" When in doubt, shut the fuck up. Ask a question. nod your head. I swear, a little courtesy goes a long way. Be polite. Women's Lib has killed chivalry, so wow her by opening a door or using some manners. Worried about saying the wrong thing? When you don't speak so much, it cultivates an air of mystery. Women love that! Making them think you aren't so interested is like freakin' catnip to us, it makes us crazy and we want to claw your shirt off. Lastly, you may think, "Hey I don't want to kiss some girl's ass!" Well, if you want to stick your dick in me, you had better be a little fucking nice. No one is asking for ass-kissing (that's for later *wink*), just be courteous and sincere. Communicate! Go for it!

My friends and I were hanging out last night, and a woman said, "I have got to be the best fucking mechanic because I am surrounded by such tools all the time." Dudes, don't be a tool. Just be yourself.

I hope you will consider this entry as a solution to the disease known as "Rejection Protecttion Syndrome" commonly referred to as "RPS" (I simply think of it as a guy who needs to grow a pair). We all deal with rejection (see #2, above), and it sucks ass, that is the way of life. Everybody has to learn how to Just. Deal. With. It. I promise, somewhere there is someone for everyone. Serial killer Aileen Wuronos even had a lover, and Jon Brower Minnoch , the fattest man ever, was married to a 110-lb woman. I am pretty sure you are probably more normal than those two, so there is likely someone for you too. Try not to be bitter, it's not attractive. Just be yourself and try to enjoy your life.

...and, since we're on the subject of tools, I'll leave you with my favorite picture of a huge cock:

3. That's so gay!

Dear American Idol fans:

Why is Adam Lambert’s sexual orientation an issue in a singing contest? Why aren’t we asking if the other contestants are gay or straight? Did being massively gay have any effect at all on Boy George, George Michael, or Melissa Etheridge? (No they all sold millions because they have TALENT, they can sing, and people bought their albums). What about Duran Duran or Motley Crue? They wore LOADS of makeup and we loved to speculate on their sexuality (all straight)…and they also went multiplatinum. How about Rob Halpern from Judas Priest? Everyone thought a metal god would be bangin’ millions of chicks but NO! Rob is queer and proud. Adam Lambert’s fans have known about his gayness since day 1, since no effort was made to eliminate homoerotic photos of him from the internet….and Adam Lambert’s fans don’t care…we love him, love his singing, can’t wait to see what he does next.


(This man is GAY? No Way!! What gave him away??)

I hope Adam Lambert gets a big burly gay biker boyfriend and takes him to the Grammys in ass-less chaps. I think it’s about time American Idol had a “gay” Idol…gays are Americans too. I just wish he would stop wearing so much makeup to cover those cute freckles. I think Adam is fantastic.

By the way, I’m a straight adult woman and I wish people would stop being so titillated about someone’s sexual orientation.

And as for references made about the Clay Aiken backlash ...that was because people didn’t like his insincerity, not his homosexuality. If you are dishonest about who you are, people can tell and it’s off-putting. I think we all love Adam because he embraces his Adam-ness, whatever that may be, without trying to define it for our simplicity. Adam rules, I wish more people were living their lives out loud like he is, gay, straight, or any other orientation.

2. To Beard, or not to Beard, that is the question.

Maybe it's because I'm not originally from the Pacific Northwest and I don't understand some of the culture here yet, or maybe it's something else...help me understand if I need to change or be more open. It's the whole facial hair thing that is just rampant up here, and to me, it seems like excessive facial hair is just woman repellant. I mean, how would you men feel if women ceased all personal grooming and just let all their hair grow naturally? What if women decided to see how long we could get it to grow and into what kind of fun shapes we could make all the hair you prefer for us to shave? I'll make my bikini like into cute little puff balls and braid my leg hair. I mean, a little scruff is okay, or beard that is neat and trim (I prefer none, but if you must, neat and trim is okay), but if your goatee looks like it belongs on a goat, or worse, if you are trying to see how long you can get it, you are likely not the dude for me. If you are trying to grow the world's largest beard, I am not really going to think, "Hey, I want to make out with that!" If you have more hair on your face than on your head, or instead of on your head, that look is probably not going to endear you to a lot of women. I will conceed that some women dig it, and ladies feel free to chime in here, but I think most prefer a man who is less scruffy. I'm sure under all that hair is a heart of gold, but I'm never going to be able to find it. I keep trying to be open minded, especially since my new home here is apparently in the land of men who don't shave, but can't we all just take a little more care in our appearance?

Look, I've been single for the last six months and I've been dating on a couple internet websites which are chock full of men who say they want to meet a woman who takes care in her appearance, but their own photos show them to be desperately in need of a shave and a haircut. Am I being too picky? Is it because I have been working in the beauty industry for the last seven years? Is it too much to ask for the same grooming considerations men expect from us? We all want to be with someone we find attractive. It seems that men do enjoy it when women fix themselves up to a certain degree, is it not appropriate to think that they would in turn want to present themselves in the best light? To let in the light they gotta lose some of the hair!

In the interest of illuminating the unenlightened, I have prepared some examples of acceptable vs unacceptable facial hair and grooming. For your education and amusement, may I present the following:

Subject A:

This is a reasonably acceptable amount of facial hair I could deal with and even grow to like if I was interested in and liked the man to whom it was attatched. Please note Subject A's beard is trimmed and neat, and he sports a nice haircut some might even call stylish. He is definitely well-groomed, even if he is excessively ginger.

Subject B:

This is too much. This is not cool. I can imagine this man might be very nice but this is in no way attractive to me. In his defense it does seem to have some sort of general shape but I can only see this as being really attractive to a woman who was time-warped here from 1823.

Subject C:

The beard equivalent of Chris Farley. You have to admit, Chirs Farley was very overweight, and his weight had a lot to do with who he was as a person; his weight and his personality were intertwined (remember "Fat Man in a Little Coat" and Chippendales Dancer Audition"?). He would not have been the same without it, and we loved him for it. However, in the long run, it was one of the things which contributed to his death. The man in this picture is my friend and I love him, he competes in beard-growing competitions worldwide and he has had this beard for like, ever. He is married and has a baby who probably plays in and perhaps gets lost in this beard. His wife must like the beard on some level (I don't think she has ever even seen him without it), and I don't think the beard will ever literally kill him, but I bet it gave more than one woman pause on his march to the altar. But maybe I am wrong, since he is married and I am not. It's too much beard for me to even contemplate making out with...don't let a bushy beard be the death of your sex life.

Subject D: Gerard Butler. Need I say more?

Seriously, this guy knows how to rock a beard. He is singlehandedly cooling out a lot of you guys who are growing a beard just to avoid shaving. Note the shape: it's uniform and groomed neatly. Take a page from his book, please. The fact that he is HOT is definitely a plus but I have to say I actually like him with the beard. And, he is a stocky fellow, not a svelte figure. Sort of a man's manly man, but no doubt he's applied the meaning of what it means to be metrosexual without losing any of his masculinity.

Millions of women cream over this dude so if you have to have a beard, you could at least attempt to emulate someone who is really making this look work for him.

Remember, Mr. Butler got famous from a role where he was rocking a beard that totally breaks my rules (it was long!), but in his defense it was a period piece and he was also rocking a killer set of abs. So, keep in mind that many women will put up with much more facial hair if you live in 300AD or if you are built like Leonidas. Below, Butler is sporting a perfectly acceptable scruffy look. In fact, this is nice because long enough to not be prickly but short enough to still look neat. A good compromise, and it will save you from Seattle's sub-zero temperatures.

Subject E: Brad Pitt

Oh I'm sure some of you will say, "You just like Gerard Butler because he is a hot Hollywood actor!" To you I say, "Au contraire, mon frere!" with the example of Brad Pitt, who is a beard NOT! He used to be a "do", now he is a "don't"! Supposedly Angelina Jolie really likes it and we know what a whack job she is. Please do not confuse yourself into thinking if you let yourself go like this then chicks as "hot" as Angelina Jolie will be banging down your door. Most likely she accepts the facial eccentricities because she likes the man underneath.

But...she fell in love with him on the set of "Mr. & Mrs. Smith", when he was clean shaven!

These days he looks more like a Yeti than a "Yes".

Subjects F & G: Orlando Bloom & Colin Farrell ... some Hollywood examples of *good* facial hair.

Mr. Bloom is often found to be attractive to women. Myslef, I'm lukewarm. But the facial hair is within acceptable limits. Mr. Farrell, on the other hand, definitley lights my shorts on fire, no doubt.

Notice Mr. Pitt and Mr. Farrell are wearing similar beanies, but one gentleman looks clean and handsome whereas the other looks as if he needs a dunking in Rid-X and Lysol. Facial hair is definitely making a comeback in Hollywood but that doesn't mean any old flavor-savor is going to cut it.

Honestly, I am writing this entry to give the men of the Pacific Northwest some guidance and some examples to follow. I used Hollywood actors to demonstrate some good facial hair looks for you to emulate, the point is to keep it neat. The shaggy look worked for Kenny Rogers, The Bee Gees, Grizzly Adams, and...Shaggy. However, the 70's are long over. Retro Chic is in but so is good grooming.

If you want me to have it, then you better have it too.

I'll leave you with a few good "DON'Ts":

Babe-raham Lincoln you are Not!

Free Your follicular slaves!

Are they auditioning for Linkin Park, POD or Insane Clown Posse? No? Just a couple of insane clowns? Or trying to look like one? Shave it!

I honestly don't know what to say about these pictures.

It's like these men are assiduously trying to avoid

ever getting laid, by either men or women.

This can only be a joke or a dare.

Do not try this at home, or anywhere. Ever.

If you are not sure whether your personal grooming habits are acceptable or not, it is always better to err on the safe side and shave it. It is hair after all and will grow back. Women want to kiss this as much as you want to feel our stubbly legs or see our National Geographic bush peeking out of our bikinis. Admittedly, some men like this...about as many as the number of women who like your nasty bushy beards.

Please. Give up the facial hair. I beg you.

1. Welcome to Thunderdome

I started my last blog with entries responding to cheesy junior-high type surveys because I didn't know what to write...I was trying to find my groove, as it were, and figuring out this whole blogging thing. I'm not going to do that this time. Not that I know now what to write, exactly. I swear there is a novel in me dying to get out, and this blog business is a good exercise to write regularly. Perhaps not well (you be the judge), but regularly. My literary Metamucil, as it were.

I promise the following:

1. For sure, to recycle some good (I think) entries from my previous blog.

2. To overuse parenthetical remarks (see above).

3. To disappear from time to time as real life kicks in.

4. To make you feel something, be it maniacal laughter or intense dislike.

5. To be completely uncensored. This is your first and only warning.

6. To shamelessly plug myself or my friends in any way I can (yay nepotism).

7. To be fairly nonlinear, as in I will likely not have a consistent theme.

8. To encourage your familiarity with your dictionary by using "big words". That is how I talk.

9. To spend hours crafting (in my mind) masterpieces and wait for you to post comments, and cry a little if you don't. I love interaction so please comment, be it positive or negative in nature.

10. To continue living my life out loud and being a beacon of inspiration for others to do so. I will try things, and fall down, and you will watch and laugh or cry with me and maybe be a little less afraid to try your own things and fall down, and learn how to get up again, and keep living. Out loud and fearlessly, with peace and joy.

Now go outside and get some vitamin D, the sun's out! Get off your computer and live a little.