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That's what it says on my favourite t-shirt. It's a great shirt. I love it so much... I'm wearing it in half the photos from my travels; it looks like I did everything in one day. Well to be honest, I only brought 5 t-shirts with me...but somehow I always ended up choosing the green one. It's my favourite color, and it has a kick-ass slogan on it.
I kept trying to buy a new shirt, but I just couldn't find anything I liked as much as that one. It's not really wearable anymore, but right now it's akin to Linus' blanket (from "Peanuts") - I can't go anywhere without it. Didn't you ever have something like that which you loved it so much? Someday I will have to dispose of the beloved green t-shirt, and I hope that day is many moons hence. Until then I will continue to drape myself in its soft and comforting folds whilst proudly declaring my feminisim.
I think I like that shirt because when I feel down, it helps me remember that I'm okay, that the answers I'm seeking are contained within me already and I just have to be patient and let them rise to my consciousness. I'm so grateful for the support of my friends when I'm down, but there are moments when I'm alone and I have to rely on myself for support...and any port in a storm, right?
The last year has been full of feeling down, so I guess I needed anything I could find to feel better. It's so difficult to deal with the end of a relationship, even if you are ultimately happy with separating from the person whom you once loved. Admittedly, I was decidedly not glad when first faced with the reality that I had to walk away from my marriage, but over time I came to realise I married someone with problems I was not equipped to handle. The truth is, I was in love with a mirage...upon closer inspection, the man I was in love with didn't exist.
It's a little easier to take now that I don't feel so completely FUCKED UP...I had to sincerely question my ability to recognise reality, and wonder if I had somehow lost the plot...?? I mean, I thought I knew what I was getting into. You have no idea how embarrassed I feel for having made such a destructive choice. I keep asking myself, a YEAR later, "what was I thinking?" Well-meaning friends tried to talk to me before the wedding and I recall distinctly not only thinking "well, they don't know him like I do," and even feeling somewhat annoyed that they didn't trust me to make the right decision for myself. And to have to admit that they were right brings me so much shame and self-doubt.
The worst part is how long the divorce is dragging out. We were together for only 106 days, but it's been over a year and It's still not final. We have reached an agreement and I'm just waiting to approve and sign final docs...the insane irony is that the current delay is because my attorney got married last weekend and she is on her honeymoon.
Actually, the worst part is the expense. The bill so far is $18,000 for the wedding, $30,000 for divorce attorneys' fees (still climbing), and $10,000 settlement to E (oh yes, sports fans, I'm having to PAY the man who assaulted me to go away), totalling $58,000...or $547.16 for each day of marriage. The insane waste of it all is so incredibly offensive to me, I want to just spit. Try to think of all the things that could have been done with that money...even if I just gave it away to a random stranger, that would be preferable.
On the plus side, I am finally feeling like I can think about Pepper without trying not to cry or feeling abject despair, grief, and guilt that has to be vomited out like a bad meal. The last year has been pure torture: the date when she would have been born, my wedding anniversary, the date I concieved, all those milestones I should have been celebrating were like time bombs exploding my emotional stability. I don't think I could have gotten through it without the kind patience of my freinds who always listened, while inside I was torn between needing to express my sadness, my shame at not being able to talk about something other than my dead baby, wondering if there would ever be a day that would come or a conversation I would have where I would be able to not talk about it because I might actually be thinking about something else, and trying not to vomit when I see or hear about other families and their child's development.
The one thing that seemed to just kill me every time was when I would see a woman with the same stroller I had purchased. I had just bought it right before everything went utterly to shit, and then had to return it a week later when I didn't need it anymore. The situation was just so uncomfortable and painful, and it was like a slap in the face every time I would see that stroller (apparently it was a popular model).
As the anniversary of her death approached, I tried to plan activities to keep me distracted and keep me from self-isolating, expecting an avalanche of grief. And no doubt, I was sad. But strangely, the avalanche didn't come. Somehow, just being open to dealing with it and talking about it every day since it happend had actually lessend the grief, and the activities I planned kept me focused on the present instead of idealising the past.
And one more blessing came that really helped: one of my favorite friends and her husband, both of whom I love dearly, became pregnant. Strangely enough for me, their child was concieved one year after mine and will be born with almost the same birthday Pepper would have had. Because of this coincidence, I had to consciously separate my feelings about my baby from my feelings about their baby. I did not want to deal with inappropriate projection, or ruin their joy, or my own joy for them, with any crazy misplaced emotions. This meant I had to really get a lid on the past in order to enjoy my present. I found I was truly happy for them, without any bitterness. And I have experienced a lot of happiness in sharing their journey. It made me feel a lot better to give my baby books, baby blankets, baby toys, and baby carrier to someone I love instead of returning or craigslisting them. It was almost as if that small act could somehow negate the huge sucking waste of the last year. I guess I was finally ready to move on. And I feel really good about it; the fog of greif has lifted and I'm not feeling guilty about feeling good.
Anyhow, I hope that my need for this t-shirt will pass before the shirt itself disintegrates. I finally had to retire it to my drawer since it's not fit for much besides yard work now. I just have to keep reminding myself that I'm OK. I'm actually a most hopeful cynic and I don't feel bitter anymore. It's true, ignorance IS bliss, but you can't un-eat the apple. You can't re-enter the Matrix. But you can let go of attachment to outcome and know that sometimes, our plan just isn't going to work out the way we think it will. Anicca! Change is the only constant, and like REO Speedwagon, I've got to just roll with the changes.
One good thing that came out of this is that I am insanely happy to have my life back. I truly appreciate everything I have now and have lost all angst relating to whatever it is that I don't have. I really feel ready for whatever comes next, and I know that I will have the answer for whatever question life throws at me. So go ahead, ask this girl anything.
