7. Existential Crisis Revisited

I am still here. 

I am all the cliches (what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I'm a better person for it, etc). I am awake and I can take care of myself and I can have what I want. I am Jack's sense of self-awareness. I read this article that said every woman has the exact love life she wants. I'm not sure I agree with that, since the love life I want is one that involves a man and me in a committed partnership and right now I don't have that. But I do believe that I have the power to create the situation I want and that whatever situation I'm in must be the one I wanted since I created it. Circular logic? I am now creating a situation where I can find the love I need. Good god, I'm 37 soon - how did this happen? I still feel like my life is passing me by while I'm waiting for it to start, but the scenery is just a lot more interesting. Okay so I have seen and done a lot more in the past 10 years than most people ever will in their whole lives, but it didn't make me happy. It was just an interesting way to kill time. Goal achieved - time has been killed. Here I am with not much to show for it except more stamps in my passport. I know I sound disingenuous, but I really enjoyed all the traveling and everything I have done. I have a great career and I have achieved so much...but at night, when I get into bed, I do feel alone. What's it all for when you live your life alone? I get to do whatever I want, even drink out of the orange juice container if I want...and so many couples I know are not particularly happy...but still, I wish I had a partner to share my life with. I don't even care about marriage & kids so much, but I do care about moving into middle age alone. 

 Existential crisis revisited: What is the point of life? What is the point of going on this journey if I can't find a destination that makes it worthwhile? What happens when you are so busy going somewhere that you forget where it is you're going? I had a plan, but it got lost or forgotten, or else it was just a facade. What do I do now? I changed, I grew up, I put away childish things, I took on the responsibilities of adulthood...now what? There has to be more. 

 All I ever wanted was a family. The simplest thing. So many people have it. A place to belong, people who miss you during the holidays, somewhere to hang your proverbial hat. My friends say I just need to be patient, but if one more person says to me that the right guy is out there for me somewhere, I just haven't found him yet, I AM GOING TO SCREAM!!! 

 I never thought I would be approaching 40 and still be unmarried and in no danger of even becoming attached. I feel like the most pathetic loser on the whole planet. I keep looking back at my growing list of ex-boyfriends and wondering, should I have stayed with one of them and tried harder to make it work? Well, really...I think not. I had a good reason for ending it every time. Hell, I should have ended most of the relationships sooner. I learned something every time and grew as a person through the experience, so I do not regret them. 

Sometimes I wonder what became of them, the men I loved. Did they grow up? Sort out their problems? Do they ever think of me? There were positive parts to our time together or else the relationship - and the memory of it - would not have persisted. But every heartbreak makes it that much harder to try again. My heart seems shattered and glued/duct-taped/papier-mached back together so many times it hardly seems like a functioning organ. And still, I keep hoping *next time* maybe...

And I ask myself repeatedly WHY why do I feel this desire to unite myself with a man? My friends say there is nothing wrong with me, and it proves that I'm sane that I would at least examine myself as the source of the problem (if there is one). It isn't necessarily marriage I'm after...I know there is no such thing as "security" (people get divorced every day). I just want a friend with whom to share the journey. Yeah I've got girlfriends galore...what I want is an intimate relationship with a real MAN. 

The answer I keep coming up with is simple: I'm lonely. It's not that I can't be alone - I've more than proven that I can do that. I've been alone quite a bit over the last seven years, with one serious two-year relationship in that time. I actually like my time to myself and I enjoy my own company. I don't think it means I'm wrong or weak to want to share my time and my life with someone special. Isn't that the normal order of things? Aren't people supposed to want that? 

Sometimes I feel like a failure because I have not achieved this union. Mostly because I've wasted so much time chasing what seems like a dream. I've grown a bit pathetic because I'm so lonely I swoon when the first Johnny-come-lately blinks an eye in my direction. Then I allow myself to get swept away by the dream that might finally be coming true, the one dream I can't make true for myself. Then I wake up slapping my own face (like "Tommy Boy") saying "stupid, stupid stupid" stupid me for thinking I could have love. 

 I finally realized my mistake in being so attached to an outcome that I let it drive me nuts....and I was able to let go and just enjoy every day and flow with life...is it too late? My biggest fear is that I'll finally find someone but be too jaded to go for it, that I'll be too closed to ever allow myself to be loved, and that I'll wind up old and alone living with 50 cats. And any man that I'd want, I'll never find him because he's at home reading a book or writing his own obscure blog, lamenting about where in the world is he going to find me? 

 I should start a new website, a dating service where lonelyhearts can find each other. I'm like the female "Lonely Guy". I have all these great qualities...funny, confident, honest, self-aware, good cook, neat & tidy, literate, tolerates sports, carries own baggage, loves sex, financially responsible, not a fatty...qualities men say they want in a partner. Men say they want these qualities then they pick women who are idiots with big boobs and a tiny ass who treat them like shit and then they ask, why?

Meanwhile, I get passed over like a diamond in the rough and wind up letting myself go cheaply to douchebags. And I don't feel any closer to an answer. Why isn't just living enough? Why can't I be happy with just my life? Why do I have this thing in me crying out for a partner? Does anyone else feel this way or am I really nuts? How do I keep from becoming bitter and jaded and iron-clad? How do I find the love I want? I suppose if I knew the answer to that I'd be rich AND married. 

I wish I knew what to do, but this isn't a puzzle I can solve on my own. I will end with "Desiderata," advice I try to give myself: 

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass. Take kindly to the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy. (Max Ehrmann c.1920)

6. Is it love, or a mutual strangulation society?

Martha Beck wrote an article called "How to Know If It's Real Love" which I excerpted heavily here because I didn't want to lose what to me felt like vital information. Her article describes what sounds like the definition of a healthy relationship. I wanted to refer back to it often for reality-checking, and I wanted to write more myself on the ideas she expressed. I have found it to be very helpful.

 Here are five ways to get a real grip on the real thing: In a folktale that has been retold for centuries in many variations (one of which is Shakespeare's King Lear), an elderly king asks his three daughters how much they love him. The two older sisters deliver flowery speeches of filial adoration, but the youngest says only "I love you as meat loves salt." The king, insulted by this homely simile, banishes the youngest daughter and divides his kingdom between the older two, who promptly kick him out on his royal heinie. He seeks refuge in the very house where his third daughter is working as a scullery maid. Recognizing her father, the daughter asks the cook to prepare his meal without salt. The king eats a few tasteless mouthfuls, then bursts into tears. "All along," he cries, "it was my youngest daughter who really loved me!" The daughter reveals herself and all ends happily (except in King Lear, where pretty much everybody dies). 

Each of the following five statements is the polar opposite of what many people see as loving commitment. But these are "meat loves salt" commitments, as necessary as they are unconventional. Only if you and your beloved can honestly say them to each other is your relationship likely to thrive. (Think if you have ever said or felt some of these sentiments and realize what you are really saying...) Want an honest and long-lasting relationship? The five best things to tell yourself in Relationships... 

1. I can live without you, no problem. "I can't live," wails the singer, "if living is without you." The emotion that fuels this kind of relationship isn't love; it's desperation. It can feel romantic at first, but over time it invariably fails to meet either partner's needs. If this is how you feel, don't start dating. Start therapy. Counseling can teach you how to get your needs met by the only person responsible for them: you. "I can live without you" is an assurance that sets the stage for real love. 

 2. My love for you will definitely change. Most human beings seem innately averse to change. Once we've established some measure of comfort or stability, we want to nail it in place so that there's no possibility of loss. Unfortunately, this is another promise that is more likely to scuttle a relationship than shore it up. The reason is that everything-and everyone-is constantly changing. We age, grow, learn, get sick, get well, gain weight, lose weight, find new interests and drop old ones. Many people fear that if their love is free to change, it will vanish. The opposite is true. A love that is allowed to adapt to new circumstances is virtually indestructible. 

 3. You're not everything I need. I'm a big fan of sexual monogamy, but I'm puzzled by lovers who claim that their romantic partner is the only person they need in their lives or that time together is the only activity necessary for emotional fulfillment. Humans are designed to live in groups, explore ideas, and constantly learn new skills. Trying to get all this input from one person is like trying to get a full range of vitamins by eating only ice cream. When a couple believes "We must fulfill all of each other's needs", each becomes exhausted by the effort to be all things to the other and neither can develop fully as an individual. Sacrificing all our individual needs doesn't strengthen a relationship. Mutually supporting each other's personal growth does. 

 4. I won't always hold you close. There's a thin line between a romantic statement like "I love you so much, I want to share my life with you until death do us part" and the lunatic-fringe anthem "I love you so much that if you try to leave me, I'll kill you." People who say such things love others the way spiders love flies; they love to capture them, wrap them in immobilizing fetters, and drain nourishment out of them at peckish moments. This is not the kind of love you want. The way you can tell real love from spider love is simple: Possessiveness and exploitation involve controlling the loved one, whereas true love is based on setting the beloved free to make his or her own choices. 

 5. You and I aren't one. Perhaps you are neither a spider nor a fly, but a chameleon who morphs to match the one you love. Or you may date chameleons, choosing partners who conform to your personality. Either way, you're not in a healthy relationship. In fact, you're not in a relationship at all. If you're living by the "We are one" ideal, it's high time you found out how terrific love for two can be. Follow your heart in a direction your partner wouldn't go. Dare to explore your differences. Agree to disagree. If you're accustomed to disappearing, this will allow you to see that you can be loved as you really are. If you tend to dominate, you'll find out how interesting it is to love an actual person rather than a human mirror.

My thanks to Martha Beck and to Oprah for publishing the article.