2. To Beard, or not to Beard, that is the question.

Maybe it's because I'm not originally from the Pacific Northwest and I don't understand some of the culture here yet, or maybe it's something else...help me understand if I need to change or be more open. It's the whole facial hair thing that is just rampant up here, and to me, it seems like excessive facial hair is just woman repellant. I mean, how would you men feel if women ceased all personal grooming and just let all their hair grow naturally? What if women decided to see how long we could get it to grow and into what kind of fun shapes we could make all the hair you prefer for us to shave? I'll make my bikini like into cute little puff balls and braid my leg hair. I mean, a little scruff is okay, or beard that is neat and trim (I prefer none, but if you must, neat and trim is okay), but if your goatee looks like it belongs on a goat, or worse, if you are trying to see how long you can get it, you are likely not the dude for me. If you are trying to grow the world's largest beard, I am not really going to think, "Hey, I want to make out with that!" If you have more hair on your face than on your head, or instead of on your head, that look is probably not going to endear you to a lot of women. I will conceed that some women dig it, and ladies feel free to chime in here, but I think most prefer a man who is less scruffy. I'm sure under all that hair is a heart of gold, but I'm never going to be able to find it. I keep trying to be open minded, especially since my new home here is apparently in the land of men who don't shave, but can't we all just take a little more care in our appearance?

Look, I've been single for the last six months and I've been dating on a couple internet websites which are chock full of men who say they want to meet a woman who takes care in her appearance, but their own photos show them to be desperately in need of a shave and a haircut. Am I being too picky? Is it because I have been working in the beauty industry for the last seven years? Is it too much to ask for the same grooming considerations men expect from us? We all want to be with someone we find attractive. It seems that men do enjoy it when women fix themselves up to a certain degree, is it not appropriate to think that they would in turn want to present themselves in the best light? To let in the light they gotta lose some of the hair!

In the interest of illuminating the unenlightened, I have prepared some examples of acceptable vs unacceptable facial hair and grooming. For your education and amusement, may I present the following:

Subject A:

This is a reasonably acceptable amount of facial hair I could deal with and even grow to like if I was interested in and liked the man to whom it was attatched. Please note Subject A's beard is trimmed and neat, and he sports a nice haircut some might even call stylish. He is definitely well-groomed, even if he is excessively ginger.

Subject B:

This is too much. This is not cool. I can imagine this man might be very nice but this is in no way attractive to me. In his defense it does seem to have some sort of general shape but I can only see this as being really attractive to a woman who was time-warped here from 1823.

Subject C:

The beard equivalent of Chris Farley. You have to admit, Chirs Farley was very overweight, and his weight had a lot to do with who he was as a person; his weight and his personality were intertwined (remember "Fat Man in a Little Coat" and Chippendales Dancer Audition"?). He would not have been the same without it, and we loved him for it. However, in the long run, it was one of the things which contributed to his death. The man in this picture is my friend and I love him, he competes in beard-growing competitions worldwide and he has had this beard for like, ever. He is married and has a baby who probably plays in and perhaps gets lost in this beard. His wife must like the beard on some level (I don't think she has ever even seen him without it), and I don't think the beard will ever literally kill him, but I bet it gave more than one woman pause on his march to the altar. But maybe I am wrong, since he is married and I am not. It's too much beard for me to even contemplate making out with...don't let a bushy beard be the death of your sex life.

Subject D: Gerard Butler. Need I say more?

Seriously, this guy knows how to rock a beard. He is singlehandedly cooling out a lot of you guys who are growing a beard just to avoid shaving. Note the shape: it's uniform and groomed neatly. Take a page from his book, please. The fact that he is HOT is definitely a plus but I have to say I actually like him with the beard. And, he is a stocky fellow, not a svelte figure. Sort of a man's manly man, but no doubt he's applied the meaning of what it means to be metrosexual without losing any of his masculinity.

Millions of women cream over this dude so if you have to have a beard, you could at least attempt to emulate someone who is really making this look work for him.

Remember, Mr. Butler got famous from a role where he was rocking a beard that totally breaks my rules (it was long!), but in his defense it was a period piece and he was also rocking a killer set of abs. So, keep in mind that many women will put up with much more facial hair if you live in 300AD or if you are built like Leonidas. Below, Butler is sporting a perfectly acceptable scruffy look. In fact, this is nice because long enough to not be prickly but short enough to still look neat. A good compromise, and it will save you from Seattle's sub-zero temperatures.

Subject E: Brad Pitt

Oh I'm sure some of you will say, "You just like Gerard Butler because he is a hot Hollywood actor!" To you I say, "Au contraire, mon frere!" with the example of Brad Pitt, who is a beard NOT! He used to be a "do", now he is a "don't"! Supposedly Angelina Jolie really likes it and we know what a whack job she is. Please do not confuse yourself into thinking if you let yourself go like this then chicks as "hot" as Angelina Jolie will be banging down your door. Most likely she accepts the facial eccentricities because she likes the man underneath.

But...she fell in love with him on the set of "Mr. & Mrs. Smith", when he was clean shaven!

These days he looks more like a Yeti than a "Yes".

Subjects F & G: Orlando Bloom & Colin Farrell ... some Hollywood examples of *good* facial hair.

Mr. Bloom is often found to be attractive to women. Myslef, I'm lukewarm. But the facial hair is within acceptable limits. Mr. Farrell, on the other hand, definitley lights my shorts on fire, no doubt.

Notice Mr. Pitt and Mr. Farrell are wearing similar beanies, but one gentleman looks clean and handsome whereas the other looks as if he needs a dunking in Rid-X and Lysol. Facial hair is definitely making a comeback in Hollywood but that doesn't mean any old flavor-savor is going to cut it.

Honestly, I am writing this entry to give the men of the Pacific Northwest some guidance and some examples to follow. I used Hollywood actors to demonstrate some good facial hair looks for you to emulate, the point is to keep it neat. The shaggy look worked for Kenny Rogers, The Bee Gees, Grizzly Adams, and...Shaggy. However, the 70's are long over. Retro Chic is in but so is good grooming.

If you want me to have it, then you better have it too.

I'll leave you with a few good "DON'Ts":

Babe-raham Lincoln you are Not!

Free Your follicular slaves!

Are they auditioning for Linkin Park, POD or Insane Clown Posse? No? Just a couple of insane clowns? Or trying to look like one? Shave it!

I honestly don't know what to say about these pictures.

It's like these men are assiduously trying to avoid

ever getting laid, by either men or women.

This can only be a joke or a dare.

Do not try this at home, or anywhere. Ever.

If you are not sure whether your personal grooming habits are acceptable or not, it is always better to err on the safe side and shave it. It is hair after all and will grow back. Women want to kiss this as much as you want to feel our stubbly legs or see our National Geographic bush peeking out of our bikinis. Admittedly, some men like this...about as many as the number of women who like your nasty bushy beards.

Please. Give up the facial hair. I beg you.