31. Celebration Time, Come On!

I am Jack's sense of pride in accomplishment.

If you've been following along, you'd know that from 2007-2011, my life went through a series of changes that left me reeling. I ended 5 years of travel - working on cruise ships - and relocated to Seattle, just in time for the economic crisis that left me unemployed for 18 months. I lost both my parents and my last remaining grandparent. When I did finally get a job, I was laid off in less than a year twice in succession. I got married, bought a... house, and got pregnant only to see it all fall tragically apart from domestic violence and mental illness. My child died. I was an absolute wreck. I felt suicidal because I had lost pretty much everything over the course of a few short years and I just felt so much grief that I couldn't function. A few things saved me: I had learned the difference between my feelings and my reactions to my feelings, and I knew that while nothing that happened had been my fault, it was certainly my problem to deal with. I struggled trying to figure out just how to do that. Luckily I was not alone. I have been so grateful for some good friends who saw me through the most difficult parts of my life, they supported me and listened and gave advice and helped me believe that there could be a future.

I decided to look at the disaster as an opportunity; the slate had been wiped clean, but I was not quite 40... what was I going to do for the second act? Who was I going to be? I could do anything, nothing was holding me back. I decided that it's never to late to get up, pull up your big girl pants, and figure out how to kick some proverbial ass.

I decided on nursing school because if I was going to work hard for something, I wanted my efforts to be meaningful. With no family, I wanted the chance to make a difference in people's lives and feel connected to a purpose. It was not easy to commit, I had to accept that to pursue college full time for five years at my age meant that I was essentially saying goodbye to my fertility and the chance to have a child. Luckily any time I feel maternal I have many special young women in my life now that I can mentor. 

I decided that no matter what, nothing was going to stop me. I put forth 100% effort and commitment to school. Nobody was more surprised than me to see what I could do! I made only one B+ in all 5 years, every other grade was an A. The experience of succeeding in school helped me rebuild my shattered confidence. As more successes piled up, my Joie de vivre gradually returned. I rediscovered my self and began to take pleasure in life again. Even being diagnosed with Crohn's disease earlier this year has not been so bad because well it wasn't a new condition, just a new name and a better treatment plan. So, it was actually a positive thing because now I can get the care I need.
Now that five years commitment i made is over. Today is the last day of the last class. In all, it has taken me 27 years to complete a Bachelors degree. I couldn't be more proud. But I also recognize the part that tragedy has played in motivating me, and the people without whom I would not have made it.

 

One more wonderful thing. After being certain I was just destined to be alone, I finally found someone who shows me what love really is. C and I will celebrate a year together next month. You know how people say when you meet the right person, you just know? Yeah it's like that. He's the real deal, and I'm gonna keep him around permanently.

It feels like I've come full circle, I've gone from all the bad things happening at once to all the good things happening... graduation, true love, my 45th birthday in three weeks, real sustained happiness and contentment I have never before known.

The cavalry arrived, indeed.

A friend once quipped that she had never known me not in a state of disaster. It took me YEARS to recover, but here I am. Proof that you only truly lose when you give up trying. If you fall down, you just have to keep getting up again and again ... and again.  I'm looking forward to demonstrating - and finding out for myself - what stability is like. No more hot mess! 

At least, not until grad school....!!!

My most profound gratitude on this day to everyone who helped me every step of the way. Now, stand back and watch me fly!!!

32. Synchronicity

Happy 4th of July! C and I celebrated by sleeping in, doing some art, having brunch together, and walking around Green Lake. We encountered a poetess who crafted a stunning personalized poem for us (below). Now, we are about to make cookies and have a nap before going to see fireworks in Edmonds with friends. This poem is epic, it's too good not to share. I gotta find this lady. "Synchronized" By Melanie Reed Smart Texas girl I like your boxes - I will fill you in, in al...l those special places - field of different kinds of soil or grasses, let's go all the way to our homebase - I'll raise you on my eyebrows, take note of each glance, each observation, be supported as I walk these new roads with new knees. Seattle boy, I like your boots and bridges- you can carry me and ferry me into new islands of elated conversation - can't get over how we skip from stone to stone - wit sparkling in your sparkling eyes, this tinder dogs our steps with yapping wonderment - let's talk our day and life away, my twin fraternal bay.

30. Tattouage Bleu

I'm turning my leg into a butterfly farm. THIS POST IS IN PROGRESS

Okay not really, but a leg sleeve at least. People keep asking me, "why butterflies?" so I thought I'd explore that question in this blog post. And, the first butterfly is blue. A blue morpho, actually.

Actually, the first tattoo was a lizard, a tattoo I got with my BFF Lisa in like 1991. Obviously it looks like crap now, so we wanted new matching tattoos. I drew this

And so we wound up with these...

I will have to take a better picture.

Overwhelmingly, cultural myth and lore honor the butterfly as a symbol of transformation because of its impressive process of metamorphosis.

From egg, to larvae (caterpillar), to pupa (the chrysalis or cocoon) and from the cocoon the butterfly emerges in her unfurling glory.

What a massive amount of transition this tiny creature undergoes. Consider for a moment the kind of energy this expends.... I daresay if a human were to go through this kind of change we’d freak out!

Imagine the whole of your life changing to such an extreme you are unrecognizable at the end of the transformation. Mind you, this change takes place in a short span of about a month too (that’s how long the butterfly life cycle is).

Herein lies the deepest symbolic lesson of the butterfly. She asks us to accept the changes in our lives as casually as she does. The butterfly unquestioningly embraces the chances of her environment and her body.

This unwavering acceptance of her metamorphosis is also symbolic of faith. Here the butterfly beckons us to keep our faith as we undergo transitions in our lives. She understands that our toiling, fretting and anger are useless against the turning tides of nature – she asks us to recognize the same.

A quick-list of Butterfly symbolism: Resurrection Transition Celebration Lightness Time Soul

Interestingly, in many cultures the butterfly is associated with the soul – further linking our animal symbolism of faith with the butterfly.

In Greek myth, Psyche (which literally translates to mean “soul”) is represented in the form of a butterfly. Befittingly, Psyche is forever linked with love as she and Eros (the Greek god of love, also known in Roman myth as Cupid) shared an endlessly passionate bond together – both hopelessly in love with the other.

Even Christianity considers the butterfly a soulful symbol. To wit, the butterfly is depicted on ancient Christian tombs, as Christ has been illustrated holding a butterfly in Christian art.

It’s connection with the soul is rather fitting. We are all on a long journey of the soul. On this journey we encounter endless turns, shifts, and conditions that cause us to morph into ever-finer beings. At our soul-journey’s end we are inevitably changed – not at all the same as when we started on the path.

To take this analogy a step further, we can look again to the grace and eloquence of the butterfly and realize that our journey is our only guarantee. Our responsibility to make our way in faith, accept the change that comes, and emerge from our transitions as brilliantly as the butterfly.