Friday, August 5, 2011

12. On Fascism and Elections

WARNING: This is a looong rant. But you should read it.

Armaments, universal debt and planned obsolescence — those are the three pillars of Western prosperity. — Aldous Huxley
fas·cism (fash'iz'?m) n. (often Fascism )

A system of government marked by centralization of authority under a dictator, stringent socioeconomic controls, suppression of the opposition through terror and censorship, and typically a policy of belligerent nationalism and racism.

According to various sources, fascism is a government that achieves power through political assassinations or rigged elections; initially poses as the champion of democracy even as it undermines democratic principles; is so nationalistic and excessively patriotic that disagreements with government policies are viewed as treason; controls the media so the people will support the government; coarsens the national dialogue with inflammatory rhetoric; relentlessly attacks the messengers of alternative points of view until they are silenced; uses secret police to spy on the population and eliminate opposition; undermines constitutional rights so the government will have absolute control over the people; stresses the superiority of one's country; promotes internal and external enemies as the sources of evil; sacrifices public interests to corporate interests; funnels a nation's wealth into the military and weapons-producing corporations; keeps the people in a permanently warlike state of mind; and eventually centers all power in a single party headed by a dictator with absolute power over the people.

Does any of that sound familiar??? If not, you might want to begin paying closer attention.

Russians are wondering how and why the people in America are allowing the same thing to happen in the US that Stalin perpetrated in Russia. That what the current US administration is doing is surreptitiously taking away individual freedoms, through stirring up fears in the people, very similar to what was happening in pre-WWII Germany.

Now, consider this:

At about the time our original 13 states adopted their new constitution, in the year 1787, Alexander Tytler (a Scottish history professor at The University of Edinborough) had this to say about the fall of the Athenian Republic some 2,000 years prior:

"A democracy is always temporary in nature; it simply cannot exist as a permanent form of government. A democracy will continue to exist up until the time that voters discover that they can vote themselves generous gifts from the public treasury. From that moment on, the majority always votes for the candidates who promise the most benefits from the public treasury, with the result that every democracy will finally collapse due to loose fiscal policy, which is always followed by a dictatorship."

"The average age of the worlds greatest civilizations from the beginning of history, has been about 200 years. During those 200 years, these nations always progressed through the following sequence:

From Bondage to spiritual faith;
From spiritual faith to great courage;
From courage to liberty;
From liberty to abundance;
From abundance to complacency;
From complacency to apathy;
From apathy to dependence;
From dependence back into bondage."


Supposedly, this is a quote from one of Tytler's lectures, as this text cannot be found in any book that he has written, as documented by snopes. Snopes claims this quote is a fraud. Here's what I think: who cares who said it or when? I still think the analogy is valid. Do you think that discrediting the authenticity of the author invalidates the sentiment of the argument? I do not.

Despite whether the thoughts came from Tytler, an anoymous writer, Plato, or God himself, do you not think it merits consideration? Haven't you ever wondered why the people of Germany didn't try to stop what was happening in their country before the Third Reich? Many of those who could simply left Germany. I know several Americans who have or are planning to leave the US.

But not me. I agree with Plato:

"Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber."

I'm tired of "minority rule" and being governed by idiots I can't respect. If you agree, please take a more active role in politics and government, and remember, it starts at a local level. Please Vote. Stop fascism from taking over America!

Where are we now on this timeline? Sound familiar to you at all???

Now I wonder, if these cycles perpetuate themselves regularly, is it human nature or can we change it? Does it matter that I care? Should I just give up caring, if it is ineviatble that our society should destroy itself??

But what about other countries, societies, nations, who have sat by and watched the US as if we think we know it all, having been around for our 200 years, (we are like the annoying (and dangerous) 18 year old teenager who, having just graduated from high school, is certain he knows it ALL) while they have developed over countless more centuries and doubtless have more experience dealing with these problems (yet as a country we belittle other nations' attempts to govern themselves). What about a country like Denmark, which has virtually no homeless, jobless, or obese people, where most of the citizens enjoy all they need to be happy and constructive, and they have quietly been doing it for a thousand years? It makes me question the validity of democracy as a legitimate governing system (commie pinko that I am, right?). I mean, think about communism...as a system it's perfect, but it failed because of human error. I think democracy is the same, but the oppositte end of the spectrum...after all, it seems our country is having all these problems due to human error again. No human is perfect yet we hold our leaders up to perfection and they constantly let us down because it is impossible not to.


To get you started, please check out the Pew Forum to educate yourself on our next presidential election, and educate yourself on local elections so you can take part in them as well. The site has links to all the candidate's websites, explaining their platforms, beleifs, and vision for America.

It's sad to me that while I sometimes wish we had more reasonable choices than what our two-party system offers, I don't think more political parties are the answer (see Duverger's Law), but I'd like to see one party that made sense. What we have is one party that is fiscally and socially conservative, and one party that is fiscally and socially liberal. I'd like to see a party that is fiscally conservative and socially liberal. It is absolutely shocking to me that our country, which was founded by people seeking freedom from religious persecution, and has provided in its constitution that its citizens have freedom of religion, has now gone 180 degrees in that it now attempts to legislate a morality based on religious concepts. We're going from freedom to chains in 200 short years. You think I'm exaggerating? Just think about it, please.

And vote.

"To initiate a war of aggresion. . . is not only an international crime, it is the supreme international crime, differing only from other war crimes in that it contains within itself the accumulated evil of the whole." - Nuremberg Tribunal

"The US-led invasion of Iraq was an illegal act that contravened the UN charter." UN Chief Kofi Annan - -September 2004. Source BBC (read the book "The Dark Side" by Jane Mayer)

"When law and morality contradict each other, the citizen has the cruel alternative of either losing his moral sense or losing his respect for the law." Frederic Bastiat - (1801-1850) French economist, statesman, and author. Source: The Law, by Frederic Bastiat, 1850 (who doesn't feel this way these days? Don't get me started on prohibition!)

Today someone asked me to sign a petiton to end the war in Iraq. I said No. You might think I am crazy, but I, unlike the sound-bite obsessed politicians and the American sheep they govern, have actually thought about the war and its ramifications. Having lived in an international community has given me an outsider's view on the US and it's not a pretty picture.

I agree that the US should bring the war to a speedier resolution, but I do not agree that resolution should consist of us picking up and just leaving the country (which WE invaded/destabilized) to break up in civil war. Just removing our troops is not the solution. I beleive that if we were to do that, it would destabilize the nation to the extent that it would be ripe for takeover by some other dictator a la Saddam, and then we are exactly where we started 10 years ago, or worse. Shall we create another Uganda or Afghanistan or Ethiopia or Somalia or Lebanon? Remember, Osama et. al. were created by the United States who trained and armed them and then pulled out of their revolution (Afghanistan 1978-1989 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Afghanistan) at last minute - that is one reason besides "Islamic jihad" they hate us so much - we abandoned them in their hour of need after we promised to help. The US created its own enemies - and evacuating Iraq prematurely will certainly do this again. You think that will "save American lives"? Ever hear the phrase "penny-wise but pound-foolish"? I am opposed to the way the "war" is being waged, but I do not think leaving is the solution. Otherwise, for what did all those who have already perished give their lives? We can validate their sacrifices if we stay the course. And I do not mean to use Bush terminology because I think he has mismanaged every single aspect of his presidency, including Iraq (God, if only he was just getting blowjobs in the Oval Office - Bush made me long for Clinton!).

Don't tell me the strongest military organization in the world cannot CRUSH any opposition, including Iraq. Our military & political leaders just don't want to use the forces needed to achieve the goal (see "war gulit", below). What is the difference between sending in the full extent of our capabilities and taking a percentage of losses versus losing the same, if not greater, amount of collateral damage during extended wishy-washy warfare and dragging it out to the same denoument? Is it a matter of not pissing off the other nations of the world? (Don't let US politicians fool you into thinking they care. Many countries the US has invated in order to "protect democracy" in the last 50 years have ended up worse for the wear). Yeah right, these are the same nations who were against the invasion to begin with (this was NOT a UN-sanctioned event - and for those that say the UN has no teeth and nobody listens to what they say, well how can we expect anyone to when the very country that CREATED the UN eviscerates its power by just doing what it wants to do?). In this instance, I am NOT proud to be an American, I'm embarrassed about our government's rampant hypocrisy...we parade around the world moralizing other countries and assuming we are better than them because we have "democracy" and we want to "make the world safe for democracy" - well take a look at "our own backyard"...who says democracy is the best/only way to go??? (who says this is actually a democracy anymore?) Who are we to judge how others live or how other countries condct their affairs? How would Americans feel if other countries imposed their moralities or political systems on us?? We say we want freedom but we just want everybody to be like us so we can control them. We aren't the greatest power because we are 'the land of the brave & home fo the free", we're just the biggest bully on the block and everyone's afraid we're going to take their lunch money. I say we stop pushing other nations around. And as far as how that applies to Iraq, if we just pull out now we will leave that poor country worse than it was to begin with. Let's finish what we started, with the forces that are necessary in a resonable time frame, and be done with it. And let's learn to mind our own damn business from now on.

Some intersting References:
(war guilt) http://www.lewrockwell.com/rockwell/war-guilt.html

(Foreign Policy) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Foreign_relations_of_the_United_States

http://www.whatreallyhappened.com/usinterventionism.html

A good one: http://adbusters.org/media/flash/hope_and_memory/timeline.swf

FOR SURE READ THIS http://www.opinionjournal.com/editorial/feature.html?id=110008318

For those who liken our current war with Iraq to the Viernam war, I invite you to take a closer look at the FACTS, which is something our news services oversimplify or "sound bite". The US created the situation in Vietnam and mismanaged it the same way by indecisiveness. I just spent six weeks in Viet Nam being educated about the history there. 20 years of warfare could easily have been avoided. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vietnam_War

** * * * * * * * * * * * *


Well I digress. I don't know who I am going to vote for this fall, but it damn sure won't be a Bush or a Bush lackey...a trained monkey would do a better job, because at least a trained monkey wouldn't be such a devious liar who abused his office, and the wealth and power of his familty to connive and cheat and cover it up. He's responsible for killing people that did nothing to us, for god's sake! When did Congress vote to declare war on Iraq? John Yoo and David Addington did amazing damage to our country and no one seems inclined to reverse it. Someof the key players in the Bush administration responsible for eroding the moral fortitudeof our government (and create things like waterboarding) maintain positions inthe Obama administration! What did Iraq do to us? Hey nobody likes Saddam but we can't just invade some country because we don't like them! Bush led our country in to doing the EXACT SAME SHIT we hate when other countries do it, and that my friends, is the biggest hypocrisy out there ans we refuse to acknowledge it. For example, when Iraq invaded Kuwait, the US went in and said, hey you cant just conquer another country like that (yeah the US had ulterior motives of course and I know it's not that simple). But when we invaded Iraq, the rest of the world said, hey you cant do that, and we said FUCK YOU, who's going to stop us? What are we trying to do, start a new world war? Nobody wanted to do that and nobody rallied to Saddam so we just got away with it. AND not only does Saddam not have WMDs, but BUSH has been funding the development of NEW WMDs for the US!! What a bunch of hypocrites!!! I am ashamed to be a part of what we as citizens are allowing to happen. Aren't you? If you aren't appalled then you aren't paying attention. It's easy to be overwhelmed when our so-called news agencies present trivialities as news to dostract us or just downright don't even mention the atrocities our own goverment is perpetrating. You have to really try and get the information for yourself.

And allow me to pre-empt anyone who thinks I am not a patriot or that I don't support our troops. Supporting our troops is different from disagreeing with the reasons they are deployed. Some of my closest friends are active or retired military - of course I support them. But I don't want their efforts and our tax dollars to be in vain! As far as patriotism goes, it is OUR CIVIC DUTY as Americans to educate ourselves on the issues and act as we see fit. That was the whole damn reason for the American Revolution! I consider myself to be VERY patriotic: I love my country and my fellow citizens and I won't stand idly by whilst they are abused.

"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." Benjamin Franklin

Say NO to American Hegemony and the "McDonaldization" of world culture!

And...check out the RAND Institute's "America's Role in Nation-Building: From Germany to Iraq"; PDF at 192.5.14.110/pubs/monograph_reports/MR1753/MR1753.pref.pdf

I feel like a crazy broken record but nothing will change until we all say, "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore!"

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

11. Be a Beacon of Positive Change

Recently, I was asked to sign & pass on this petition (I am not signing it.):

In February 1993 in England , a young boy of 3 was taken from a Liverpool shopping
Centre by two 10-year-old boys. Jamie Bulger walked away from his mother for only a second, Jon Venables took his hand and led him out of the mall with his friend Robert Thompson. They took Jamie on a walk for over 2 and a half miles; they stopped at a railway track where they brutally kicked him, threw stones at him, rubbed paint in his eyes, pushed batteries up his anus and cut his fingers off with scissors. Other mutilations were inflicted but not reported in the press.

What these two boys did was so horrendous that Jamie's mother was forbidden to identify his body. They then left his beaten small body on railway tracks so a train could run him over to hide the mess they had created. These two boys, even being boys,understood what they did was wrong, hence trying to make it look like an accident.

Lady Justice Butler-Sloss has awarded the two boys ( now men ), anonymity for the rest of their lives when they leave custody with new identities. They will also leave custody early only serving just over half of their sentence. They are being relocated to Australia to live out the rest of their lives. They disgustingly and
violently took Jamie's life away and in return they each get a new life!

Please.... If you feel as strongly as we do, (And if you haven't already signed this petition ) that This is a grave Miscarriage of justice - Hit the forward button and add your name at the end, and send it to everyone you can !


Please take a few seconds to forward it to your mail list & don't forget to add your name to the list.Thank you. (End of petition)


....Before I get to what I really want to discuss, let me go off on a tangent here for a minute about two things:

1. If someone is really your friend and you genuinely want to pass on some information you think is vital, PLEASE check its veracity before spamming your friend's email inbox with CRAP. I am begging you not to simply "copy, paste, & forward" like a robot because you

a) want to be a good person/friend

b) are so superstitous you really think you'll have bad luck for seven years if you don't forward some piece of rancid effluvium to all your "friends" in the next seven seconds

c) don't have the capacity to think for yourself

d) would rather waste time mindlessly forwarding nonsense than take three seconds on Google to discover whether or not the tripe you're spamming your friends with is actually timely or even valid and/or accurate. Folks, let me tell you about two REALLY handy websites: www.snopes.com will tell you whether that heartwrenching story is a hoax or not and www.wikipedia.com will give you a lot more credible information. You might wanna check your facts before you embarrass yourself/reveal your incompetence (for example, no batteries were pushed into the anus of Jamie Bulger).

Seriously, I recieve at least one "forward" a day that is either a hoax or inaccurate. Think about what you're sending.

That brings me to number 2.

2. If you decide that the information IS pertinent and IS NOT a hoax, the next step you might want to take is to make sure your diatribe is legible and uses at least passing grammar and spelling. We have had tools for this for many years, primarily "school". You might want to pay attention. Now, I don't expect perfection (Lord knows I'm far from it myself), but there is often so many mistakes I can barely decipher the intended message...for example, I had to edit the above for sentence structure and grammar to make it legible, and it's still not perfect. Please try harder. Often, the messages are so illegible that I'm already offended and I haven't even addressed the content.

Speaking of content, now that I've got those first two issues out of the way, let's go back to the subject of the erstwhile "petition"...

Although the boys' actions were reprehensible, is it realistic or reasonable that repercussions of decisions made by 10 year olds should ruin their whole lives? That would mean the destruction of three lives instead of just one. Do you really think TEN year olds are capable of rational thought?Everyone has made mistakes in life. I know I am not the only person who has changed and grown radically from youth to adulthood. Do you not think these boys have learned and been reprimanded? And if by some cahnce they are truly psychotic sociopaths, do you not think this will be picked up on during their incarceration?

Look at the date: February 1993. Those ten year old boys are now twenty-eight. I am sure they have been subjected to rigorous psychological examination and therapy. But like a good citizen, my first thought was to check my facts: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Murder_of_James_Bulger and http://www.snopes.com/politics/crime/bulger.asp with updates.

Turns out these boys were sentenced long ago and this petition is very outdated. It can only be circulating now because there is an effort out to open a learning center in Merseyside, where this event took place, that will be a safe place for victims of bullying.

This of course begs the question for me of why we need to creat a "safe place from bullying", should not we stop bullying from occurring, address it where it happens, and negate the need for these centers? Why must we continually victimize our children? Why must parents with bullied children remove the children from normal schools while bullies are permitted their usual routines? The bullies are the ones who need our help and forgiveness, as they will be the ones who have much more serious problems, often being abused themselves. And if they are not being abused, then bullying is a sure sign of an antisocial or sociopathic personality. Should we wait until the bully becomes a killer before we try to help him control his feelings, thoughts, or actions?

The petition refers to "a grave miscarriage of justice" when in fact, the perpetrators were sentenced and served the maximum punishment allowed due to their age and circumstances. Any further punitive actions would not be legal. Lady Justice Butler-Schloss granted the convicts new identities to protect them from vigilante actions, such as those implied by this petition, because, as she put it; "they have the right of all citizens to protection under the law". If you do not agree with the law, work to change it, but you cannot punish someone more than the law allows. It seems as if she was not only protecting the convicts from further unlawful persecution by the citizenry, but also protecting the citizens from themselves, for once a society seeks to begin murdering the murderer, then do they not themselves become murderes? ("There are many causes that I am prepared to die for but no causes that I am prepared to kill for.", MK Gandhi).

Some have even gone so far as to say these two ten year old children deserve to die for what they did. I think a lot of people can identify with what it feels like to be bullied and this outcry is the result of misplaced anger that has simmered for too long (victimes could not take out their frustrations on the person who hurt them, so they show anger towards these two public figures). However, let me relate an important fact: Holding hatred in your heart does absolutely nothing to the person you hate. It only hurts YOU. You are the one who must carry the pain around every day. When Jesus spoke of forgiveness, he did not mean that you should forgive someone for THEM, you forgive someone for your own peace of mind.

And not to get too religious here, but did not Jesus also say "Judge not, lest ye be judged"? And "Vengeance is mine, sayeth the Lord." I'm not even Christian or Catholic, but I bet a lot of people who signed the petition are. Would they all become vigilantes as well? You cannot control what others do, only what you do, and it is YOUR ACTIONS you have to live with. This is what Jesus meant by "turning the other cheek".

My heart goes out to the family of the boy who was slain and ALSO to the two misguided souls who hurt him. Rather than destroy these two souls, ought we not to examine the environment which created them? That doesn't mean only "blame the parents". Studies have shown that a child's environment and peers have a much greater impact on his or her actions and bearing than do parents. (What that means is that a child who has poor parenting but lives in a "nice" neighborhood has a better chance than a child with great parenting but lives in the "ghetto" (See "The Nurture Assumption", by Judith Rich Harris]) . What this means is that, at least on one point (and I hate to admit it), that Hillary (Clinton) was right: it does take a village to raise a child...just maybe not exactly how she meant.

If you don't like your community, stop complaining and be a beacon of positive change. Gandhi said, "An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind", and also, "Be the change you wish to see in the world". (If you don't know who Gandhi was, I beg you to at least read this).

I hope this made you think. As a vicitm of bullying myself, I know well how it feels and how the effects continue to hurt long after the events cease. But constructive solutions need to address not just the results, but the roots or causes of bullying. It is something that must be addressed by everyone in a community. Instead of preaching vengeance and retribution, we need to be teaching tolerance, compassion, and awareness.

In the immortal words of Rodney King, " Can't we all just get along?" Let's stop finding fault and start finding solutions.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

10. Oh, What A Feeling!

The Beast, Part the First:




...frankly I think it is a miracle that it still works. The engine is great but leaks oil like crazy and the driver's door is about to fall off. It has hella rust and the paint is peeling off, there are actual plants living in the dirt that has accumulated in the underside of the wheel weels, you can't lock it, the inside has been partially eaten by the previous owner's dog (including a half-gnawed headrest and a fully gnawed stick shift), and it has a coat hanger for an antenna. Kids laugh at me when I roll by. It has to be some kind of record for the absolute worst car. The suspension is so bad that when drive it around I feel like my ass is dragging on the ground. Once, bad pavement had me convinced I had a flat but when I pulled over, everything was "fine". The last time I went to buy gas, a lady came up to me and said, "I'm sorry, I just wanted to let you know that your car is smoking REALLY BAD" ...yeah, it's trying to kick the habit lady...MYOB!! Yeah, I failed to notice the voluminous billowing white cloud of oil-smoke coming out of my car's ass....

But I digress. I just came back from 5 years overseas and I'm finding it hard to get a new car...nobody will give me a loan because I have no credit history anymore! And I thought I'd just buy a cheap car until I got settled, so I was chuffed when I saw an ad up in the PCC for this $350 Toyota. So I've been driving "the Beast" since September (`07)...was supposed to only be six weeks but you know how time flies like an arrow when you're having fun (And fruit flies like a garbage truck).

Anyhow now it's so funny I am getting attached to the damn thing. I'm learning to revel in the POS car. For example, who's going to steal it? So what if I spill something? Oh! You dinged it? Who cares! You could not possibly fuck this car up any more than it is already. And IT STILL RUNS. Starts every time, runs like a lawnmower on speed, corners like it's on rails, & tops out at about 85mph. 275,000 miles...they need to put my ass in a commercial.

I know how to feel about it....OH! What a feeling! Toyota!

The Beast `a Deux:

...SO I finally upgraded to the previously mentioned KIA (actually I'm two cars past that now - wait for my upcoming blog on my emerging lesbianism/Subaru purchase). And I wanted to sell "The Beast". I drove it for over a year and it was good to me. I took care of it, fed it oil & gas, changed its fluids, it deserved a good home. So I thought, "Hey! I'll post it on Craigslist!" Wow. What an eye-opener.

So, apparently, there's this "financial crisis" or something? And a lot of people lost their jobs and homes and need cheaper cars and stuff. Thus creating a HUGE market for a POS car that actually runs like a lawnmower on speed.

Well, after driving The Beast for a year and taking good care of it, I was curious as to just how much it might be worth...was $350 a steal or a rip-off? What about one year and a case of oil later? Well say there, sports fans, did you know there is no data on KBB for cars over a certain age? Apparently the depreciation is right through the floor! I literally scoured the internet for a valuation for a 1984 Toyota of any kind and was rewarded with nothing but carpal tunnel syndrome. So I thought, heck, I'll just make up a wacky price and let people negotiate me down. I listed it almost exactly as I described it in Part One, above, with an asking price of $600 (I was fully prepared to be talked down to $350 and would have taken less).

Within ONE HOUR of posting the ad, I had recieved several emails and one young man was imminently arriving to take a look and a test-drive. During the drive, I was fielding calls from other interested buyers literally begging me not to sell the car to anyone but them. Three guys were having a bidding war over my Beast, each one trying to one-up themselves in my eyes to the extent that they very nearly got into a fight and I was offered up to $850 for the damn thing. I said, "Did you READ the ad?? it's a POS CAR!" But apparently, due to the economy, having a cheap car that runs is a valuable commodity. There is no way my conscience would allow me to take $850 for that car...but I did take $550, from the first guy who came with CA$H. And everybody was happy, and my little car got adopted by the son of a Toyota mechanic who could fix her oil leak! The car was gone from my life within two hours of posting the ad. I was kinda sad to see 'er go. So, farewell, my lil' ass-dragger, and happy trails.

...And we all lived happilly ever after! THE END

9. Who you are makes a difference to me

Somebody sent me an email today called "Who you are makes a difference to me". It started me thinking about people who made a difference to me. Turns out there is a common denominator in a lot of them. It's Korea. There should be a game like Six Degrees of Separation but for things instead of people. Like Korea. It might sound funny, especially to those of you who know me, but Korea has really affected my life in some profound ways. Sometimes I hated Korea. Sometimes I thought it was awesome. But I have made my peace with Korea and all the things that came out of it. I am grateful for the ways it has affected me... 
1. Lots of stuff is made in Korea, most notably the car I now drive, a Kia. A fine, stylin' ride, to be sure. Hey, it ain't much but it's paid for and it's mine and I'm glad to have wheels. Many things I like are made in Korea, like Samsung products (that would include my last three cell phones, three TVs, a DVD player and my external CD/DVD drive for my PC). 
 2. My uncle fought in the Korean War. Another man also fought there. He married a Korean woman there and they made one of the best things to come out of Korea, one of my oldest and dearest friends, Lisa. 
 3. Lisa and I have two separate matching tattoos. It will be a part of me forever because of Korea.
 4. Lisa taught me about Kimchee and Korean food, which I still love. There is nothing like Bi Bim Bap on a cold day, for breakfast luch OR dinner. Hue Dup Bap is my favorite thing to eat on Earth.
5. I went to high school with a Korean girl named [bitchface]. She was nasty to me in school, but I didn't hate her because she was Korean, I hated her because she was mean. She was rude and called me names and had a shitty attitude. 
 6. I had a crush on a guy in high school. 17 years after we ate lunch together every day in school, he hunted me down on Myspace and pursued me romantically, professing his undying love. We planned to buy a house, get married, and spend our lives together. Since we went to the same high school, we discussed former classmates and had fun looking them up on Myspace. One of the people who found us was the erstwhile [bitchface], who, as it turned out, had had a math class with my love. Four months later, he dumped me by email...for her! A year later, they got married. I really hate [bitchface]. But, he cheated on me with her, he cheated on his previous girlfriend with me, and he cheated on that girl too, so no doubt he will cheat on Mrs. Bitcface as well. I still fail to comprehend how he could have liked two women who are so different. However, the one good thing about [bitchface] is that she saved me from winding up married to that asshole. Apparently, they have been happy together this whole time, so good on them. What can I say? My life turned out pretty fucking awesome, so I have no regrets. But, when I think about how he dumped me by email out of the blue with no explanation, I remember vividly how much it hurt, and the fact that my rival was someone with whom I had unpleasant experiences just added insult to injury. 
7. So I threw myself into my work and I got promoted to a new ship that wound up going...to Korea. Pusan, to be precise. It was a great cultural experience and the Korean people were very nice. I was heartbroken for a long time and remained single for a long time. 
 8. I found solace, eventually, once I came back to Texas. In the arms of a very nice man who had recently moved back to the US from...Korea, of all places, where he lived for 10 years. Which he left because he finally ended it with...a Korean woman. We were both former ex-pats reassimilating to the US, and we consoled each other with Dr. Pepper, cigarrettes, tears, and a little lovin'. I decided to leave the US again, whereas he stayed in Austin. 
 9. I wound up dating a guy named Michael. I would not have had the pleasure of knowing him at all were it not for his divorce. Michael's ex-wife is Korean.  
10. I love Korea, its people, and its culture. Nothing but good has come out of it for me. Including my first date with Michael, which happened at a Korean restaurant (Blue Ginger, in Kirkland). That was a magical night and a great first date story. 
11. So I left the job of my dreams to move to a new city where I don't know anyone just so I can pursue a relationship with Michael. He travels for a living, and I didn't completely change my life so I could never see him because he's on the road all the time. So, I got a job doing what he does...as a sales rep, for a company whose products are manufactured where? That's right...Korea.
12. Korea also produced one of the first female friends I made in the place I moved to. 
13. We like to watch comedy on TV. My favorite comedienne is Margaret Cho, who happens to be Korean, as is Esther Ku, two funny ladies. 
14. It didn't work out for us; Michael and I split. He eventually got married to someone else, and his wife is... Korean!
15. I eventually married the guy from #8. You can read all about that debacle elsewhere in this blog.
16. I was lying in bed one night just thinking about how many intersections I have with Korean things and people, and I thought, well you can find connections like that anywhere if you look. So I started really thinking about how other countries might have affected me. I couldn't come up with more than three or four things about any other country. Instead, I wound up finding yet another connection I have to Korea: The most commonly practiced religion in Korea is Mahayana Buddhism. If I were forced to select a religion to align with, it would have to be Buddhism or Judaism. I've studied vipassana mediation and there are many Buddhist principles that resonate with me. 

So there. 16 intersections or associations seem like a lot to me, and several of these intersections were quite profound in my life. 
To Korea and all its people, I say thank you. 
Who you are makes a difference to me.

8. Menage `a blog

Ha ha gotcha! You thought this was going to be about sex because of the little french wordplay, right??? Well not quite, but glad I piqued your interest somehow. In fact, this is yet another post dedicated to the precursor to sex...dating. Or at least, a letter to the proliferation of internet daters in cyberspace... 

 Dear Men of Internet Dating: It is not awesome to write a one-sentence email to a stranger(if "your hot - let's sext" is considered a sentence even, I'm not sure). This bugs the hell out of me. I mean, I do appreciate the interest and I don't mean to sound disingenuous, but let's be realistic. I have taken a lot of time to create my profile and write blogs that let anyone interested know exactly who I am, and I know what qualities I want in a friend or partner. If you look at any of what I've written, you might deduce that I'm a woman of some substance (I'm not sure yet exactly what the substance is...it's a bit sticky...), and you can see right away if you fit the bill (or not). So what makes you think you're going to get any kind of favorable response from me when your query reads like you're being charged $100 a word to write, " Hey what's up? Write me if you wanna chat." Well, ask yourself, Studly Dudley, exactly what would make me want to respond to that? Especially if your profile is very vague, you have no/few pictures, and you haven't written any journal posts. There isn't much for me to get interested in besides maybe the fact that you are male (maybe!, and you know how to operate your camera phone in the bathroom (tip: flush first). If that's all you are looking for in a woman, skip the whole internet thing and just wait outside your neighborhood 7-11 until some chick walks up to buy a pack of smokes. Not that you asked for advice, but you did request a response (write me). If you want me (or anyone) to be interested in responding to you, you may wish to give a little more detail about yourself in your profile or blogs and help us figure out why we might be interested in getting to know you better (like, you're really into Guns N Ammo, you have an impressive belly-button lint collection, you can open a beer bottle with your toes, etc). I can understand your profile may be bereft of detail to increase your privacy, so perhaps your introductory email could have more to say, because I have plenty of actual friends to "chat" with and I have no interest in wasting time dithering around with a conversationally-impaired mental midget who just wants to stroke one off while dreaming of the day he might get that chick outside the 7-11 to buy him a six-pack. Here's an idea: write something interesting (and true - that's important) about yourself - just a few paragraphs about what you like (music, sports, whatever...it's a personal AD, that stands for "advertisement", so advertise yourself like a product on TV in a way that would make a woman - ostensibly me - want to jump up and email you! Pretend you're Billy Mays Hays, before the suitcase fell on his head). Then email it to yourself. Save the email. The next time you want to write a chick you don't know, copy the body of this email and paste it into the email you want to write to her. Write a new first paragraph introducing yourself and personalize it to her. This should increase your success rate exponentially, if only because you have actually given the target of your affections something to "chat" to you about. After all, if you aren't able to extend even a little bit of yourself in the anonymity of the internet, how can a woman hope to derive any level of intimacy with you necessary for any kind of relationship development? I know, it's a concept hard for you to fathom, so just take my word for it. I wish you the best of luck in your endeavors. And please, for God's sake, if you DO happen to score (online, or at the 7-11), PLEASE wear a condom. We don't want you to reproduce. Best Regards, The Women of Internet Dating

Sunday, August 1, 2010

7. Existential Crisis Revisited

I am still here. 
I am all the cliches (what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I'm a better person for it, etc). I am awake and I can take care of myself and I can have what I want. I am Jack's sense of self-awareness. I read this article that said every woman has the exact love life she wants. I'm not sure I agree with that, since the love life I want is one that involves a man and me in a committed partnership and right now I don't have that. But I do believe that I have the power to create the situation I want and that whatever situation I'm in must be the one I wanted since I created it. Circular logic? I am now creating a situation where I can find the love I need. Good god, I'm 37 soon - how did this happen? I still feel like my life is passing me by while I'm waiting for it to start, but the scenery is just a lot more interesting. Okay so I have seen and done a lot more in the past 10 years than most people ever will in their whole lives, but it didn't make me happy. It was just an interesting way to kill time. Goal achieved - time has been killed. Here I am with not much to show for it except more stamps in my passport. I know I sound disingenuous, but I really enjoyed all the traveling and everything I have done. I have a great career and I have achieved so much...but at night, when I get into bed, I do feel alone. What's it all for when you live your life alone? I get to do whatever I want, even drink out of the orange juice container if I want...and so many couples I know are not particularly happy...but still, I wish I had a partner to share my life with. I don't even care about marriage & kids so much, but I do care about moving into middle age alone. 

 Existential crisis revisited: What is the point of life? What is the point of going on this journey if I can't find a destination that makes it worthwhile? What happens when you are so busy going somewhere that you forget where it is you're going? I had a plan, but it got lost or forgotten, or else it was just a facade. What do I do now? I changed, I grew up, I put away childish things, I took on the responsibilities of adulthood...now what? There has to be more. 


 All I ever wanted was a family. The simplest thing. So many people have it. A place to belong, people who miss you during the holidays, somewhere to hang your proverbial hat. My friends say I just need to be patient, but if one more person says to me that the right guy is out there for me somewhere, I just haven't found him yet, I AM GOING TO SCREAM!!! 

 I never thought I would be approaching 40 and still be unmarried and in no danger of even becoming attached. I feel like the most pathetic loser on the whole planet. I keep looking back at my growing list of ex-boyfriends and wondering, should I have stayed with one of them and tried harder to make it work? Well, really...I think not. I had a good reason for ending it every time. Hell, I should have ended most of the relationships sooner. I learned something every time and grew as a person through the experience, so I do not regret them. 

Sometimes I wonder what became of them, the men I loved. Did they grow up? Sort out their problems? Do they ever think of me? There were positive parts to our time together or else the relationship - and the memory of it - would not have persisted. But every heartbreak makes it that much harder to try again. My heart seems shattered and glued/duct-taped/papier-mached back together so many times it hardly seems like a functioning organ. And still, I keep hoping *next time* maybe...

And I ask myself repeatedly WHY why do I feel this desire to unite myself with a man? My friends say there is nothing wrong with me, and it proves that I'm sane that I would at least examine myself as the source of the problem (if there is one). It isn't necessarily marriage I'm after...I know there is no such thing as "security" (people get divorced every day). I just want a friend with whom to share the journey. Yeah I've got girlfriends galore...what I want is an intimate relationship with a real MAN. 

The answer I keep coming up with is simple: I'm lonely. It's not that I can't be alone - I've more than proven that I can do that. I've been alone quite a bit over the last seven years, with one serious two-year relationship in that time. I actually like my time to myself and I enjoy my own company. I don't think it means I'm wrong or weak to want to share my time and my life with someone special. Isn't that the normal order of things? Aren't people supposed to want that? 

Sometimes I feel like a failure because I have not achieved this union. Mostly because I've wasted so much time chasing what seems like a dream. I've grown a bit pathetic because I'm so lonely I swoon when the first Johnny-come-lately blinks an eye in my direction. Then I allow myself to get swept away by the dream that might finally be coming true, the one dream I can't make true for myself. Then I wake up slapping my own face (like "Tommy Boy") saying "stupid, stupid stupid" stupid me for thinking I could have love. 

 I finally realized my mistake in being so attached to an outcome that I let it drive me nuts....and I was able to let go and just enjoy every day and flow with life...is it too late? My biggest fear is that I'll finally find someone but be too jaded to go for it, that I'll be too closed to ever allow myself to be loved, and that I'll wind up old and alone living with 50 cats. And any man that I'd want, I'll never find him because he's at home reading a book or writing his own obscure blog, lamenting about where in the world is he going to find me? 

 I should start a new website, a dating service where lonelyhearts can find each other. I'm like the female "Lonely Guy". I have all these great qualities...funny, confident, honest, self-aware, good cook, neat & tidy, literate, tolerates sports, carries own baggage, loves sex, financially responsible, not a fatty...qualities men say they want in a partner. Men say they want these qualities then they pick women who are idiots with big boobs and a tiny ass who treat them like shit and then they ask, why?

Meanwhile, I get passed over like a diamond in the rough and wind up letting myself go cheaply to douchebags. And I don't feel any closer to an answer. Why isn't just living enough? Why can't I be happy with just my life? Why do I have this thing in me crying out for a partner? Does anyone else feel this way or am I really nuts? How do I keep from becoming bitter and jaded and iron-clad? How do I find the love I want? I suppose if I knew the answer to that I'd be rich AND married. 

I wish I knew what to do, but this isn't a puzzle I can solve on my own. I will end with "Desiderata," advice I try to give myself: 
Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass. Take kindly to the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy. (Max Ehrmann c.1920)





6. Is it love, or a mutual strangulation society?

Martha Beck wrote an article called "How to Know If It's Real Love" which I excerpted heavily here because I didn't want to lose what to me felt like vital information. Her article describes what sounds like the definition of a healthy relationship. I wanted to refer back to it often for reality-checking, and I wanted to write more myself on the ideas she expressed. I have found it to be very helpful.

 Here are five ways to get a real grip on the real thing: In a folktale that has been retold for centuries in many variations (one of which is Shakespeare's King Lear), an elderly king asks his three daughters how much they love him. The two older sisters deliver flowery speeches of filial adoration, but the youngest says only "I love you as meat loves salt." The king, insulted by this homely simile, banishes the youngest daughter and divides his kingdom between the older two, who promptly kick him out on his royal heinie. He seeks refuge in the very house where his third daughter is working as a scullery maid. Recognizing her father, the daughter asks the cook to prepare his meal without salt. The king eats a few tasteless mouthfuls, then bursts into tears. "All along," he cries, "it was my youngest daughter who really loved me!" The daughter reveals herself and all ends happily (except in King Lear, where pretty much everybody dies). 

Each of the following five statements is the polar opposite of what many people see as loving commitment. But these are "meat loves salt" commitments, as necessary as they are unconventional. Only if you and your beloved can honestly say them to each other is your relationship likely to thrive. (Think if you have ever said or felt some of these sentiments and realize what you are really saying...) Want an honest and long-lasting relationship? The five best things to tell yourself in Relationships... 

1. I can live without you, no problem. "I can't live," wails the singer, "if living is without you." The emotion that fuels this kind of relationship isn't love; it's desperation. It can feel romantic at first, but over time it invariably fails to meet either partner's needs. If this is how you feel, don't start dating. Start therapy. Counseling can teach you how to get your needs met by the only person responsible for them: you. "I can live without you" is an assurance that sets the stage for real love. 

 2. My love for you will definitely change. Most human beings seem innately averse to change. Once we've established some measure of comfort or stability, we want to nail it in place so that there's no possibility of loss. Unfortunately, this is another promise that is more likely to scuttle a relationship than shore it up. The reason is that everything-and everyone-is constantly changing. We age, grow, learn, get sick, get well, gain weight, lose weight, find new interests and drop old ones. Many people fear that if their love is free to change, it will vanish. The opposite is true. A love that is allowed to adapt to new circumstances is virtually indestructible. 

 3. You're not everything I need. I'm a big fan of sexual monogamy, but I'm puzzled by lovers who claim that their romantic partner is the only person they need in their lives or that time together is the only activity necessary for emotional fulfillment. Humans are designed to live in groups, explore ideas, and constantly learn new skills. Trying to get all this input from one person is like trying to get a full range of vitamins by eating only ice cream. When a couple believes "We must fulfill all of each other's needs", each becomes exhausted by the effort to be all things to the other and neither can develop fully as an individual. Sacrificing all our individual needs doesn't strengthen a relationship. Mutually supporting each other's personal growth does. 

 4. I won't always hold you close. There's a thin line between a romantic statement like "I love you so much, I want to share my life with you until death do us part" and the lunatic-fringe anthem "I love you so much that if you try to leave me, I'll kill you." People who say such things love others the way spiders love flies; they love to capture them, wrap them in immobilizing fetters, and drain nourishment out of them at peckish moments. This is not the kind of love you want. The way you can tell real love from spider love is simple: Possessiveness and exploitation involve controlling the loved one, whereas true love is based on setting the beloved free to make his or her own choices. 

 5. You and I aren't one. Perhaps you are neither a spider nor a fly, but a chameleon who morphs to match the one you love. Or you may date chameleons, choosing partners who conform to your personality. Either way, you're not in a healthy relationship. In fact, you're not in a relationship at all. If you're living by the "We are one" ideal, it's high time you found out how terrific love for two can be. Follow your heart in a direction your partner wouldn't go. Dare to explore your differences. Agree to disagree. If you're accustomed to disappearing, this will allow you to see that you can be loved as you really are. If you tend to dominate, you'll find out how interesting it is to love an actual person rather than a human mirror.

My thanks to Martha Beck and to Oprah for publishing the article.