8. Menage `a blog

Ha ha gotcha! You thought this was going to be about sex because of the little french wordplay, right??? Well not quite, but glad I piqued your interest somehow. In fact, this is yet another post dedicated to the precursor to sex...dating. Or at least, a letter to the proliferation of internet daters in cyberspace... 

 Dear Men of Internet Dating: It is not awesome to write a one-sentence email to a stranger(if "your hot - let's sext" is considered a sentence even, I'm not sure). This bugs the hell out of me. I mean, I do appreciate the interest and I don't mean to sound disingenuous, but let's be realistic. I have taken a lot of time to create my profile and write blogs that let anyone interested know exactly who I am, and I know what qualities I want in a friend or partner. If you look at any of what I've written, you might deduce that I'm a woman of some substance (I'm not sure yet exactly what the substance is...it's a bit sticky...), and you can see right away if you fit the bill (or not). So what makes you think you're going to get any kind of favorable response from me when your query reads like you're being charged $100 a word to write, " Hey what's up? Write me if you wanna chat." Well, ask yourself, Studly Dudley, exactly what would make me want to respond to that? Especially if your profile is very vague, you have no/few pictures, and you haven't written any journal posts. There isn't much for me to get interested in besides maybe the fact that you are male (maybe!, and you know how to operate your camera phone in the bathroom (tip: flush first). If that's all you are looking for in a woman, skip the whole internet thing and just wait outside your neighborhood 7-11 until some chick walks up to buy a pack of smokes. Not that you asked for advice, but you did request a response (write me). If you want me (or anyone) to be interested in responding to you, you may wish to give a little more detail about yourself in your profile or blogs and help us figure out why we might be interested in getting to know you better (like, you're really into Guns N Ammo, you have an impressive belly-button lint collection, you can open a beer bottle with your toes, etc). I can understand your profile may be bereft of detail to increase your privacy, so perhaps your introductory email could have more to say, because I have plenty of actual friends to "chat" with and I have no interest in wasting time dithering around with a conversationally-impaired mental midget who just wants to stroke one off while dreaming of the day he might get that chick outside the 7-11 to buy him a six-pack. Here's an idea: write something interesting (and true - that's important) about yourself - just a few paragraphs about what you like (music, sports, whatever...it's a personal AD, that stands for "advertisement", so advertise yourself like a product on TV in a way that would make a woman - ostensibly me - want to jump up and email you! Pretend you're Billy Mays Hays, before the suitcase fell on his head). Then email it to yourself. Save the email. The next time you want to write a chick you don't know, copy the body of this email and paste it into the email you want to write to her. Write a new first paragraph introducing yourself and personalize it to her. This should increase your success rate exponentially, if only because you have actually given the target of your affections something to "chat" to you about. After all, if you aren't able to extend even a little bit of yourself in the anonymity of the internet, how can a woman hope to derive any level of intimacy with you necessary for any kind of relationship development? I know, it's a concept hard for you to fathom, so just take my word for it. I wish you the best of luck in your endeavors. And please, for God's sake, if you DO happen to score (online, or at the 7-11), PLEASE wear a condom. We don't want you to reproduce. Best Regards, The Women of Internet Dating