19. The 40 Year Old Virgo

Top Ten Reasons I am a Good Woman to Date:

10. I don't have any children that my life has to revolve around, but I love kids and I'm very happy if you have some...or not. Additionally, my "biological clock" isn't ticking; I'm not looking for someone to make a baby with. However, nothing is ruled out. I am still viable. If we decide we want  a baby, I can make one, or we can adopt. I don't have any attachment to either outcome, since I think it's a choice two people have to make together.

9. I am financially responsible and stable. I have my own resources and I am not looking for a man as my means of support.

8. I Love to Cook and I am Good at it. Take me out to dinner occasionally, but cook with me in the kitchen regularly. We will eat well and healthy.

7. I am aging very well. I look ten years younger than my age. Plus, I understand that in order for me to continue enjoying youth and vitality as long as possible, I have to take care of my body. So, I eat right, exercise, and take care of myself.

6. I like my life. I am emotionally intelligent, mature, and stable, not depressed and looking for a man to make my life perfect. I won't be depending on you to fulfill my every waking moment. I'd enjoy spending a lot of time with a partner, but I'm sure that we'd both have some things that we like to do alone or with friends. I won't be upset or jealous that you want a boy's night or a regular basketball game or something like that. We both had lives before we met, I expect we'll enjoy keeping our relationships and social activities as well as co-creating some together. Not co-dependent, but inter-dependent.

5. In fact, I won't get upset or jealous at all. I'm confident enough to speak my mind. If I need to communicate with you, I will. I trust that you will act appropriately when we are not together, and if you don't, I won't make a scene or a fuss...I'll just say, Thanks, and good luck elsewhere. On the flip side, I will always conduct myself in a way that reflects positively on you and our relationship.

4. If we decide to date, it will be because I like you the way you are. Please, make sure you represent yourself honestly, so I can fall in love with your true self. Then you can be sure I won't be trying to change anything about you. If you want help, I'll support you, and I'll encourage you to achieve your goals and dreams. Isn't that what partners are supposed to do?

3. I don't have any crazy exes or crazy family that will disturb our bliss. I only have a sister in Texas and we get along very well. I have two cats and a dog that are my fur children. There will never be an issue as to whose family we will visit because I don't have any. There's no Mom to impress or Dad to worry about, and no aging parents or grandparents to consider.

2. I am open minded, intelligent, and worldly. I have travelled to over eighty countries and have a genius-level IQ. I am educated and erudite. I am a good conversationalist and will keep you interested. I will be a good companion as we journey through life. Professionally, I have been a massage therapist for ten years and I am studying to become a nurse, so I have a good skill set. Personally, I want to enjoy intimacy with you on a regular and frequent basis.

1. Most important: I am fun! I have a positive attitude and I have a good time no matter what I am doing. I have a wide variety of interests and I am very versatile. I can get down and dirty, but I clean up well. I enjoy going out, but I look forward to quality time at home with you. I expect we won't have 100% in common, so I will enjoy being exposed to your favorite things much like I will enjoy sharing mine with you. Whatever it is, I will look forward to having a good time with you.

I just want to find a nice available man +/- 5 years of my age who can appreciate the benefits of everything I bring to the table and who bring a few bennies of his own. Bring it on, dudes!

18. The Moral of the Story is...

I am sick to death of people talking about "morals" without further defining exactly what they are talking about. I have morals, but they may not be your morals. And to say I disagree with part of your moral system does not make me amoral. Stop proselytizing about absolute morality and assuming the Judeo-Christian definition is the only definition. I think it's high time for a discussion on absolute vs relative morality. Luckily, I didn't have to reinvent the wheel on this one, because Adam Kemp already said exactly what I was thinking. I want to post this for now and hope to discuss it further.

Absolute vs. Relative Morality
By Adam Kemp
http://adamkemp.newsvine.com/_news/2006/04/23/175591-absolute-vs-relative-morality

The basic definition of absolute morality is that there is some set of moral rules which are absolute and universal. Relative morality takes the other stance: that morals are not absolute; they depend on the situation.

A problem arises when one tries to define exactly what morals are. After all, by explicitly defining what you believe is moral and immoral, you are deciding for yourself whether someone else is moral or immoral, according to your choices. I could declare that eating broccoli is immoral and that you are immoral if you eat broccoli. You wouldn't have any choice in the matter. This is hardly a useful method of determining morality.

This, in essence, is the problem with the belief in absolute morality. If one believes that there is a global set of absolute morals which everyone must follow, then the immediate questions arise: what are those morals, and how do we know? Since no religion in history has every agreed on a set of absolute morals, and even members of the same religion often disagree as well, we think that the concept of absolute morality is useless. Since anyone could declare that their particular moral beliefs are absolute (and many do), and no one can demonstrate the validity of those claims, the whole thing is arbitrary. Anything goes in that system of belief, for any rule can be declared absolute.

The alternative to absolute morality is relative morality. Unfortunately, this phrase is often mischaracterized and misunderstood. Relative morality does not mean that "anything goes"; it does not mean that any action may be justified; it does not mean that you can't judge anyone for their actions just because you don't know that they're wrong. Rather, relative morality simply takes the stance that no single set of moral rules can possibly account for every situation. Instead, moral decisions should be made rationally, taking into account the consequences of each potential choice.
Relative morality, which I prefer to call rational morality or reason-based morality, can be used to derive a set of basic moral guidelines, such as "don't kill" or "don't steal" or "do unto others as you would have them do unto you". The difference, though, is that each of these morals must have a rational basis. They must, in other words, be shown true in most cases, either logically or perhaps from past experience.

Another important difference is that these morals are general guidelines, but not one-size-fits-all mandates. This is the part of relative morality which bothers many people, but this is usually due to a misunderstanding in what is meant when we say that the rules can be broken. Relative moralists do not arbitrarily choose to break the rules to suit their needs. The rules are broken when the positive effects of breaking the rule outweigh the positive effects of following it. For instance, killing a man may be justified if it would save the lives of other people.

This is what is meant when we say that the morals are not absolute. Morals are tools to help us make decisions which will improve our lives and society. An inflexible mandate would fail to serve that purpose, especially when that mandate is arbitrary and irrational.

Relative morality is often accused of being arbitrary or allowing for anything, but in reality the opposite is true. It is absolute morality which is arbitrary. Sure, absolute moralists have a definite, unchanging set of moral rules, but those unchanging rules change from person to person, religion to religion. One person's mortal sin is another's harmless act. That shows the brutal truth: there is no such thing as absolute morality. All morality is relative. Once we acknowledge this, we can start the real debate about what the rules should be, and that debate can be properly based in reason and fact.

----

So, the moral of the story is, all morals are relative.

17. Mr. Obama Goes to Washington

If you are feeling, as I have been, disenfranchised by our political system and the state of our country and its economy, please reflect, as I have, and realize that whether we choose to participate in it or not, it WILL continue to function (in some degree) and produce an elected president in November.

If you fail to make a choice between the candidates and cast your vote, your lack of participation does have an effect. Plato said, “The price good men pay for indifference to public affairs is to be ruled by evil men.” And in The Republic, he also said, “One of the penalties of refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors.”

Additionally, you must agree that change takes time. Our country did not wind up in an economic crisis overnight and it will take some time to effect change. “Never discourage anyone...who continually makes progress, no matter how slow.” ...Plato again. But how about this: "No president -- not me, not any of my predecessors -- no one could have fully repaired all the damage that he found in just four years." That was Bill Clinton, arguably one of our better leaders, defending Obama in a speech he made to the DNC (9/5).

I don't much care for the current political system and I have no deep love for Obama. I was pleased that he was elected, but deflated when I discovered some detestable people from the Bush regime retained their positions in the Obama administration...it seemed like "business as usual", or "new president, same BS". I'm not even really stumping for Obama here as much as against Romney/Ryan.

I don't agree with everything the Democratic Party pushes for, but I have to say that the idea of being governed by a group of people who actively pursue limiting our personal freedoms is something I cannot abide. Mitt Romney seems out of touch with what most Americans are dealing with on a day-to-day basis, and Paul Ryan is pretty much the opposite of everything I personally believe in. But here's where Ryan and I differ the most: I respect his beliefs and viewpoints and his right to have them and act upon them. However, he wants his view made into laws that would affect others' rights to pursue their own happiness.

I can't be the only person who feels that creating legislation based on religious principles is contrary to the intent of our constitution and the opposite of why our founding fathers ever even came to America! Our country may not be perfect, but one thing we have that is special is the way our citizens have protected rights. This means that Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan get to say and do whatever they want in any consensual situation...burn books, teach creationism to their children, dislike gays and women, glorify war, practice Mormonism or Southern Baptist or any other religion, or pretty much do anything else they want that they both consent to doing (secretly boffing each other after political strategy sessions?)...because our laws protect their freedom to choose what they decide is best for themselves. It does NOT give them the right to decide what's best for ME or anyone else.
Why they want to change that is beyond me. Why they even care who's having sex with whom or why anyone wants to get married anyways is just crazy. Let the gays be as miserable as the straights!

And c'mon folks, didn't we learn anything from Prohibition? Do you have ANY idea how FAST we'd get out of an economic crisis if we legalized drugs and taxed them instead? A drop in crime (no drug murders or gangs) and a spike in revenue (stop sending all that illegally obtained cash to drug lords) would be exactly what we need. Plus, all the money we'd save from releasing all non-violent drug offenders from the penal system could help fund awareness, education, and rehabilitation programs instead. And all the money we spend on the DEA could be used to help enforce regulations that make sense instead of wasting taxpayer dollars. And I don't even do drugs! But dammit, I took Economics 101and even I understand the basic concept of supply and demand. And PS: by the way, prisons for profit creates a demand for prisoners.

Right now, I demand that my rights be upheld. I demand that my president tries to understand what I'm dealing with and cares enough to try and help me. I demand that my leaders protect my rights even if they disagree with how I choose to live my life because that is my right as a citizen and their duty as my elected official. I demand accountability for the way my tax dollars are spent and I demand a president I can believe in and trust to have my best interests in mind every time he makes a presidential decision. I don't expect my president to be perfect, I expect him to be human...just like me.

That is why I am casting my vote for Barak Obama. I hope you will join me in supporting his campaign, because I think we make a difference even with just $1.00 donated towards his campaign. If you would like to join me and Bill Clinton in supporting Barak Obama, please click here to donate to his campaign in my grassroots fundraiser.

 Oh yes, we can! Again.

If you are not sure what to believe or who to agree with, please do a little research on some facts and don't listen only to sound bites delivered by talking heads on the news. Every news agency has a slant, nobody is unbiased anymore. To find facts you have to use some critical thinking skills, and I have faith in you. If you're going to be lazy and listen to someone else instead of doing the work for yourself, then listen to me and vote for Obama. If you don't care who wins, then vote for Obama, because I care. And whether you believe in our political system or not, you will continue as a citizen to be subjected to the outcomes of its elections. It is your civic duty to cast your vote. So whether you choose Red or Blue, please, just VOTE!

At least that will give you the right to complain about whoever winds up in the Oval Office.

...and, if you are the enterprising sort, I invite you to read my Blog #12, about politics and fascism, which I wrote almost exactly four years ago.

16. The End of the Affair

A wise man once said, "I don't know, ask a girl."

That's what it says on my favourite t-shirt. It's a great shirt. I love it so much... I'm wearing it in half the photos from my travels; it looks like I did everything in one day. Well to be honest, I only brought 5 t-shirts with me...but somehow I always ended up choosing the green one. It's my favourite color, and it has a kick-ass slogan on it.
I kept trying to buy a new shirt, but I just couldn't find anything I liked as much as that one. It's not really wearable anymore, but right now it's akin to Linus' blanket (from "Peanuts") - I can't go anywhere without it. Didn't you ever have something like that which you loved it so much? Someday I will have to dispose of the beloved green t-shirt, and I hope that day is many moons hence. Until then I will continue to drape myself in its soft and comforting folds whilst proudly declaring my feminisim.

I think I like that shirt because when I feel down, it helps me remember that I'm okay, that the answers I'm seeking are contained within me already and I just have to be patient and let them rise to my consciousness. I'm so grateful for the support of my friends when I'm down, but there are moments when I'm alone and I have to rely on myself for support...and any port in a storm, right?
The last year has been full of feeling down, so I guess I needed anything I could find to feel better. It's so difficult to deal with the end of a relationship, even if you are ultimately happy with separating from the person whom you once loved. Admittedly, I was decidedly not glad when first faced with the reality that I had to walk away from my marriage, but over time I came to realise I married someone with problems I was not equipped to handle. The truth is, I was in love with a mirage...upon closer inspection, the man I was in love with didn't exist.

It's a little easier to take now that I don't feel so completely FUCKED UP...I had to sincerely question my ability to recognise reality, and wonder if I had somehow lost the plot...?? I mean, I thought I knew what I was getting into. You have no idea how embarrassed I feel for having made such a destructive choice. I keep asking myself, a YEAR later, "what was I thinking?" Well-meaning friends tried to talk to me before the wedding and I recall distinctly not only thinking "well, they don't know him like I do," and even feeling somewhat annoyed that they didn't trust me to make the right decision for myself. And to have to admit that they were right brings me so much shame and self-doubt.

The worst part is how long the divorce is dragging out. We were together for only 106 days, but it's been over a year and It's still not final. We have reached an agreement and I'm just waiting to approve and sign final docs...the insane irony is that the current delay is because my attorney got married last weekend and she is on her honeymoon.

Actually, the worst part is the expense. The bill so far is $18,000 for the wedding, $30,000 for divorce attorneys' fees (still climbing), and $10,000 settlement to E (oh yes, sports fans, I'm having to PAY the man who assaulted me to go away), totalling $58,000...or $547.16 for each day of marriage. The insane waste of it all is so incredibly offensive to me, I want to just spit. Try to think of all the things that could have been done with that money...even if I just gave it away to a random stranger, that would be preferable.

On the plus side, I am finally feeling like I can think about Pepper without trying not to cry or feeling abject despair, grief, and guilt that has to be vomited out like a bad meal. The last year has been pure torture: the date when she would have been born, my wedding anniversary, the date I concieved, all those milestones I should have been celebrating were like time bombs exploding my emotional stability. I don't think I could have gotten through it without the kind patience of my freinds who always listened, while inside I was torn between needing to express my sadness, my shame at not being able to talk about something other than my dead baby, wondering if there would ever be a day that would come or a conversation I would have where I would be able to not talk about it because I might actually be thinking about something else, and trying not to vomit when I see or hear about other families and their child's development.

The one thing that seemed to just kill me every time was when I would see a woman with the same stroller I had purchased. I had just bought it right before everything went utterly to shit, and then had to return it a week later when I didn't need it anymore. The situation was just so uncomfortable and painful, and it was like a slap in the face every time I would see that stroller (apparently it was a popular model).

As the anniversary of her death approached, I tried to plan activities to keep me distracted and keep me from self-isolating, expecting an avalanche of grief. And no doubt, I was sad. But strangely, the avalanche didn't come. Somehow, just being open to dealing with it and talking about it every day since it happend had actually lessend the grief, and the activities I planned kept me focused on the present instead of idealising the past.

And one more blessing came that really helped: one of my favorite friends and her husband, both of whom I love dearly, became pregnant. Strangely enough for me, their child was concieved one year after mine and will be born with almost the same birthday Pepper would have had. Because of this coincidence, I had to consciously separate my feelings about my baby from my feelings about their baby. I did not want to deal with inappropriate projection, or ruin their joy, or my own joy for them, with any crazy misplaced emotions. This meant I had to really get a lid on the past in order to enjoy my present. I found I was truly happy for them, without any bitterness. And I have experienced a lot of happiness in sharing their journey. It made me feel a lot better to give my baby books, baby blankets, baby toys, and baby carrier to someone I love instead of returning or craigslisting them. It was almost as if that small act could somehow negate the huge sucking waste of the last year. I guess I was finally ready to move on. And I feel really good about it; the fog of greif has lifted and I'm not feeling guilty about feeling good.

 

Anyhow, I hope that my need for this t-shirt will pass before the shirt itself disintegrates. I finally had to retire it to my drawer since it's not fit for much besides yard work now. I just have to keep reminding myself that I'm OK. I'm actually a most hopeful cynic and I don't feel bitter anymore. It's true, ignorance IS bliss, but you can't un-eat the apple. You can't re-enter the Matrix. But you can let go of attachment to outcome and know that sometimes, our plan just isn't going to work out the way we think it will. Anicca! Change is the only constant, and like REO Speedwagon, I've got to just roll with the changes.

One good thing that came out of this is that I am insanely happy to have my life back. I truly appreciate everything I have now and have lost all angst relating to whatever it is that I don't have. I really feel ready for whatever comes next, and I know that I will have the answer for whatever question life throws at me. So go ahead, ask this girl anything.

15. How To Get Seven Years of Good Luck

So... I'm sitting on the toilet, peeing. I hear a crack and look up in time to see the bathroom mirror falling forward off the wall. With no time to think, I jump up mid-stream to catch it with my hands. It happened so fast, I was unable to stop the "flow" and I peed all over myself and the floor!

Well, I may have made an embarrassing mess, but at least I avoided a huge broken mirror! So there I am, pants around my ankles, covered in pee, holding this big-ass mirror up with one hand while trying to figure out how the hell I got in this position. I manage to get the heavy mirror off the wall, set it down, and clean myself up. It was truly hysterical, so I took a picture for you to properly appreciate the situation. I am sitting on the toilet and you can see my reflection in the mirror which is leaning against the sink in front of the wall it fell off.

The mirror is intact, now how do I get the bastard back on the wall??? See the black blobs on the wall? That's the old glue. I have to get a putty knife, scrape it off, and re-affix the mirror with new glue.

I lead an exciting life, yes??  It seems very inconvenient that the mirror chose to fall whilst I was seated on the throne, but hey, what if it fell while I wasn't peeing? Shit, can you imagine the mess of the broken mirror everywhere? And I have HAD IT with bad luck!!! Since I just saved a huge mirror from breaking, does that mean I'm entitled to 7 years of good luck? Oh please, Oh please, Oh please!!

 If that is the case, I will happily pee on myself in both of my remaining bathrooms.

Well I decided that I didn't want to risk glue, so I got a framed mirror and hung it. My friend J. helped me repaint the bathroom and this is the end result:

Only one question remains:

What do I do with the old mirror???

14. Lumpy Humor

Not everybody faces adversity with humor. Sometimes this actualy pisses people off. They think I'm not taking whatever it is "seriously" and they can't understand my reaction to unbearable situations. Well, in a sense, they are right. I'm not gonna get all frowny-face about anything if I can help it...life is too short for that. They don't understand that to smile in the face of adversity is a choice.  I've had a rollercoaster of a life and I've overcome enough adversity to learn that it doesn't matter what happens to me, it matters how I respond to it. It may not be my fault, but it is my problem. Especially if I have cancer.

Which I don't know if I do yet or not, but isn't it funny that my doctor found a mass in my right breast the day after I volunteered to be team captian for the Susan G Komen Race for the Cure? I'm having a diagnostic test this week to find out what's going on. But it got me thinking, how would I react if it was the big C? What would I do?

I have tried to make light of hardships because hardships are hard enough without wallowing in negative feelings. Last year, I lost a baby and a lot of people didn't understand my dead baby jokes. Yeah okay, poor taste, whatever...but the alternative was despair and I CHOOSE LIFE! I choose to smile. When you realise that you DO have that choice, then it doesn't matter what happens to you - you can always choose how you will react and how you are going to feel. I wasn't happy for my baby to die and I certainly won't be happy if I have breast cancer, but I am not going to cry and just lie down and die. I am going to smile and fly and bounce around with joy at every moment I have on this earth, cancer or no cancer.

I've already spent so much time this last year thinking about how my life would be different if my baby had not died, grieving over her and the life I would have had. Now to be thinking that I might not have much life left at all has crystallised my thinking...I don't want to waste any time wallowing in sadness. There is only one point to life and that is to enjoy it, so I will do whatever I can to keep positive energy flowing through me. So if that means dead baby jokes and lumpy boob jokes, then that is how I choose to face my fear of death and laugh in its face. I'M STILL HERE! 

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

As far as I can see, the only choice is to live the hell out of my life. I finally realised that there is no destination, it's ALL journey. This is just the next part of it.

Like the phoenix, I've resurrected myself from the flames of my old life more than a few times. I'm good at that...evolving and burning away the deadwood (evolve or die!). My career is finally on fire now and I am burning with enthusiasm for what I do, but a great career does not make me a whole person. There are many more fires to build. And I am pretty sure I am not going anywhere just yet.

Stay tuned...

Boba Fett, Elicia, Candace, D.V, Princess Leia, and me at the Susan G Komen 5K

UPDATE: The results of my diagnostic ultrasound and mammography showed that I have a benign lipoma (fatty cyst). It is not going to grow or need removal or ever cause cancer. I completed the 5K. Both of these events helped me have a new understanding of myself for which I am grateful. I am also grateful for the outpouring of support I recieved from my friends and colleagues. I can only think of one way to live up to it all and that is to continue promoting "the cause" as it were, and I plan to continue participating in future 5Ks...maybe next time I will even run!

13. Eating My Religion

I recently saw an article about an image of Jesus that was found on a piece of baked naan bread. It got me thinking about how many images of saintly figures in food might have been consumed without comment because the diner was somehow less observant or less devout, or possibly just too hungry to notice. Kinda makes me want to start looking more closely at my meals. And the I wondered, why is it always Judeo-Christian figures in food? How come we never see news articles about the image of Buddha on a bun or Krishna on a knish? Why does Jesus want to be eaten all the time? Isn't once a week at communnion enough?

Apparently this is so common, there is a term for it: simulacra, or more specifically, pareidolia. I had no idea this was an actual thing, I just got curious and googled "religious images in food". I suppose since I am totally areligious, I see this type of phenomena as completley ludicrous and I would probably not notice the appearance of Jesus' visage in my cuisine. But apparently, the human mind easily percieves familiar patterns or images, and devout people probably look a lot at depictions of Mary, et. al. and therefore recognise these patters in everyday places like scorch marks on a tortilla. And since these people are more devout, they ascribe meaning to such imagery and it becomes "a sign". And I was wrong about it only being Christian imagery; the word in arabic for "Allah" is seen so often in food that is has become fairly commonplace.

This made me wonder, have non-secular images also appeared in food? Perhaps discovered by someone with some other type of visual fixation? And lo and behold, turns out that the image of Elvis has been seen quite a bit in food, as well as various US presidents. A knot in a tree trunk that looked like a monkey nearly caused a riot in Singapore in 2007.
This investigation has led me to beleive that the reason I have never percieved any images in my food is because I am not fixated on any particular imagery...I don't have any strong beleifs about a particular person or idea and I don't frequently view any kind of imagery, except maybe South Park. I'm probaly more likely to see Stan Marsh on a marshmallow...if I ate marshmallows. Which is kind of a releif, actually.

I'll leave you with my favourite image of Jesus, though I hope it's not something you would eat: