Dudes, don't be a huge tool. Believe me, chicks are not all bitches, but sometimes y'all do some stupid-ass stuff that just makes the bitchiness come out. Now, you have heard me and probably other women you know complain ad nauseum about not receiving enough male attention, so you'd think I'd be glad to get some flattery while out dancing.
Yes it's true, to a point. Well, I dedicate this blog to Tool in an Orange T-shirt. This is the superfreak who was apparently drunk enough that his beer goggles kicked in to high-gear when he spotted me minding my own business on a dancefloor just getting a tiny groove on. I am glad my 37-year old ass can still inspire the kind of gymnastics this young man displayed in leaping into my personal space, but I was so stunned at his ferocity and proximity that I didn't know how to react. All I could do was stand there with my mouth open while he proceeded to hump my leg like a randy chihuahua. He never even paused to look me in the eye or say hello, or god forbid, introduce himself, before attempting feats that could get a man arrested without proper consent. When he became aware I was not playing along and was, in fact, attempting to disengage myself from his affections, he threw his arms up in the air, muttered something unintelligible (and most likely derogatory, based on the dirty look he flashed me - finally some eye contact!), and began stomping up and down as hard as humanly possible in what looked like an epileptic seizure, flailing his arms about so vehemently that he displaced the drinks of two innocent bystanders, and then ran off into the crowd. About six people including me were left wondering, "what the fuck was that?"The whole incident occurred in less time than it took you to read that paragraph. It left me feeling even more hopelessly disconnected from modern dating rituals...if this is today's courtship ritual, I do NOT know the corresponding response (is "fuck off" still acceptable?). Now what this poor mentally deranged young man didn't know is that I am probably an easy target for someone who has one iota of suave politeness to his moves. I'm a hot, single, responsible adult who might be up for some consensual shenanigans with a nice man, but dudes, please! if you are hot for a woman, do NOT hump her leg until you have at LEAST introduced yourself! It is extremely simple to meet women when your competition acts like that fool.
Here are a few VERY EASY steps to picking up ANY woman (or man):
1. Go to the bathroom and check yourself.
2. This is key: look in the mirror and think to yourself: "It doesn't matter what anyone thinks of me, it matters what I think of myself - and I kick ass!". Not everyone is going to agree that you kick ass, but we all have our own opinions...as long as you are confident in yourself then you won't care if you get shot down, thus making you more relaxed and confident. Rejections are based on a lot of factors, so if you do get shot down, don't take it personally - how can you, the person who just shot you down doesn't know you at all, and just gave up the chance to get to know you.
3. Smile. Walk right up to her and Smile.
4. Extend your hand. Introduce yourself. Say "Hello, my name is (Beelzebubba). What is your name?"
5. Hopefully, she will respond with her name. If not, she is a rude bitch and you are wasting your time. Anyone who can resist a simple smile and handshake over the polite exchange of names is not good dating material.
6. DO NOT try to say something witty at this point. Guys, RESIST the urge to become a casualty of dating. Girls have learned not to trust guys, so wow her with your honesty: "There's something about you that caught my attention and I really wanted to meet you." If it is her HUGE DD tits, do NOT say that OR look at her chest. Look at her face when you say this.
7. Now that you have been charming and polite, she may be a tad more willing to hear what else you have to say, even if you don't look like Brad Pitt. This is the time to find out if your presence is welcome. Invite her to do something with you: " Would you like to (dance/play pool/shoot darts/thumb wrestle/have a drink) with me?" This usually separates the women who may be interested in you from the bitches who are interested in getting a free drink. I hate to admit it, but players exist in both genders and it is reprehensible but still something to contend with.
8. DO NOT go get the drinks and bring them back, take her to the bar or another table where she can still see her friends (her safety net). A real woman does not need a man to wait on her nor does she need a doormat. It also gets her far enough away from her friends that you can actually have her attention. Plus, if she goes with you, you know she is interested. If she won't step away, either she is unavailable or uninterested. take the hint.
9. Now is your chance. Most people love talking about themselves, especially women, so to get her interested in you, ASK HER QUESTIONS about herself. She will realise you really do want to get to know her better. Don't ask her anything too personal straight off. My standby question is, "So, what do you do for fun (besides come here)?" That should provide a whole list of things you can segue into for conversation. You can answer your own questions after she has answered them. Hopefully you will find you have some things in common. Women love to talk and they will feel much more comfortable around a guy they feel they can talk to. You never know, you could wind up having a great conversation while drinking margaritas and she will feel so comfortable, like she knows you, that she will willingly fuck your brains out all night, without hardly any effort on your part.
10. DO NOT LIE. There are plenty of fish in the sea and if you discover that you two just don't have much in common, or that her huge tits distracted you from her devastating personal hygiene, or whatever, extricate yourself politely and move on. Thank her for her time and say "It was nice meeting you." If you really do like her though, try to resist closing the deal on the first night. Many women who feel like a man respects them will give it up quickly enough (like the next date). Just get her number or facebook her or whatever, and plan a nice date.
I have complied this handy tip sheet based on the experiences of someof the women I know and how they say they would like to be approached...which is basically the oppositte of how most dudes approach us - like the Tool in the Orange T-Shirt. How many times have I thought, after I had to walk/run away or go hide in the bathroom, "...if that guy wasn't such a fucking tool he would have totally scored!" When in doubt, shut the fuck up. Ask a question. nod your head. I swear, a little courtesy goes a long way. Be polite. Women's Lib has killed chivalry, so wow her by opening a door or using some manners. Worried about saying the wrong thing? When you don't speak so much, it cultivates an air of mystery. Women love that! Making them think you aren't so interested is like freakin' catnip to us, it makes us crazy and we want to claw your shirt off. Lastly, you may think, "Hey I don't want to kiss some girl's ass!" Well, if you want to stick your dick in me, you had better be a little fucking nice. No one is asking for ass-kissing (that's for later *wink*), just be courteous and sincere. Communicate! Go for it!
My friends and I were hanging out last night, and a woman said, "I have got to be the best fucking mechanic because I am surrounded by such tools all the time." Dudes, don't be a tool. Just be yourself.
I hope you will consider this entry as a solution to the disease known as "Rejection Protecttion Syndrome" commonly referred to as "RPS" (I simply think of it as a guy who needs to grow a pair). We all deal with rejection (see #2, above), and it sucks ass, that is the way of life. Everybody has to learn how to Just. Deal. With. It. I promise, somewhere there is someone for everyone. Serial killer Aileen Wuronos even had a lover, and Jon Brower Minnoch , the fattest man ever, was married to a 110-lb woman. I am pretty sure you are probably more normal than those two, so there is likely someone for you too. Try not to be bitter, it's not attractive. Just be yourself and try to enjoy your life.
...and, since we're on the subject of tools, I'll leave you with my favorite picture of a huge cock:
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