38. I’m Mad As Hell, and I’m Not Going To Take It Anymore

When I got the message about making a black square for my profile, I thought it would be cool to see all the black squares on Facebook representing pissed off women, but I never agreed to be silent. I agree that silence is a mistake. Now I’ve read this response and I feel conflicted about having passed on the message. As if “the patriarchy” didn’t know women were pissed off.
I don’t think a black square will make a difference. But dammit I’m mad as hell! And I’m not going to stop talking about it. Women shouldn’t be quiet - we should go on strike! We should scream and scream and scream until we are heard.
Some religious figure recently said that if a woman doesn’t scream, then it’s not rape. First of all, you gotta be kidding me. Have you ever been afraid for your life while someone bigger and stronger than you overpowered you and did things to you that you didn’t want? It’s terrifying. Some women fight back with everything they have and would rather die trying to escape than submit. Other women submit in hopes of survival. Neither is wrong.
When I was raped 30+ years ago, it was very much like what Dr. Ford described, only in my case, no one else was in the room, and he didn’t stop. And I didn’t scream at all, at that time, because I was so frightened all I could do was lie there and keep my eyes closed. To be fair, I was 14 and I had snuck out of the house to go to a party I wasn’t supposed to be at. I wasn’t prepared for what happened and I didn’t know what to do during or after.  And for the record, I said no, and it didn’t make a damn bit of difference. And I bet that just like Kavanaugh, the boy in question doesn’t remember a thing. But I know he knew it was rape at the time, because he intentionally gaslit me after the fact to cover his trail. I mean, why would he do that if he didn’t think on some level that what he had done was wrong or needed to be obfuscated?
To say that Dr. Ford’s testimony and the extenuating circumstances in which we now find ourselves as a society and a country has been a triggering event for me is an understatement. A friend asked me what I wanted to do about it, and I said I wanted to make it meaningful. The truth is, I want to scream. I want to scream for all women until we are heard.
Sexual assault isn’t hard to understand. If you touched a woman and you weren’t 100% sure she wanted you to touch her, that could have been an assault. If thinking about that makes you uncomfortable and uncertain, it should; imagine how she felt. Next time, be sure. Ask her. Nothing is sexier than consent.
Someone on my feed said she rolled her eyes every time she saw a political post. I wanted to shake her! How can you not be enraged? I suppose the only alternative to feeling disenfranchised and helpless is to look away. Especially when all the screaming in the world seems to make no difference.
Kavanaugh will be confirmed and it’ll be business as usual until the next outrage. Why should I care? Because I want a world where women don’t have to constantly alter their behavior to avoid being raped. Because I want my friend’s baby daughter to have better options than I did. Because I want women to report abuse and to be believed when they do. Because I don’t want revenge as much as I want equality.  Because I want women to be seen and heard and taken seriously.
And my square is black on the outside, because black is how I feel on the inside.
This is why so many women are mad. Women like me, like Dr. Ford, like all women who have been verbally or physically assaulted, who had to put a lid on that memory and just keep putting one foot in front of another to survive, because no one was going to do a damn thing about what happened to us. Women who had their lives ruined, their reputations trashed, their livelihoods taken ... on top of being abused, because gaslighting is a great defense! No wonder women don’t want to speak out. Dr. Ford is my hero, because she knew what would happen, and she did it anyway. She did it for us, for our daughters.
Almost every woman I know has some kind of story about something that happened to her. But just because it’s common doesn’t mean it’s normal or okay. Alternative Facts Barbie (Kellyanne Conway) spewing that nonsense has got to be the most Black Mirror thing that I’ve read this week.
When things unfold like this Kavanaugh/Ford drama (or the Cosby drama, or the Weinstein drama, etc etc etc), it makes us remember what we’d rather not think about. It makes us uncomfortable. And we get mad because it shouldn’t have happened. And nobody protected us. And stupid entitled boys got away with doing horrible things to us. And we don’t want revenge so much as we want justice, we want the world to be a better place for women now, and our daughters in the future. And dammit, for men, and for our sons too.
I’m sorry for what Dr. Ford and other women have had to endure. It’s not right and it’s not fair and I’m struggling with finding a way to process my feelings. I’m supposed to be on vacation and instead it’s 4am and I’m crying. I think I understand why I’m so goddamn angry. It’s like our government isn’t just saying that what happened to us doesn’t matter, they’re saying we shouldn’t even be upset about it having happened to begin with. It feels like our government is sanctioning rape.
This week, 50% of women are collectively re-experiencing a trauma. It’s been tough for all of us who weren’t believed or who were afraid we wouldn’t be, and even for those who obtained a modicum of justice. The fact that this is playing out on a national stage is a big deal for a lot of women. What are we going to do about it?
https://www.forbes.com/sites/allysonkapin/2018/09/30/the-female-blackout-is-spam-and-erases-women/#254c084b5da6
#metoo