10. Oh, What A Feeling!

The Beast, Part the First:




...frankly I think it is a miracle that it still works. The engine is great but leaks oil like crazy and the driver's door is about to fall off. It has hella rust and the paint is peeling off, there are actual plants living in the dirt that has accumulated in the underside of the wheel weels, you can't lock it, the inside has been partially eaten by the previous owner's dog (including a half-gnawed headrest and a fully gnawed stick shift), and it has a coat hanger for an antenna. Kids laugh at me when I roll by. It has to be some kind of record for the absolute worst car. The suspension is so bad that when drive it around I feel like my ass is dragging on the ground. Once, bad pavement had me convinced I had a flat but when I pulled over, everything was "fine". The last time I went to buy gas, a lady came up to me and said, "I'm sorry, I just wanted to let you know that your car is smoking REALLY BAD" ...yeah, it's trying to kick the habit lady...MYOB!! Yeah, I failed to notice the voluminous billowing white cloud of oil-smoke coming out of my car's ass....

But I digress. I just came back from 5 years overseas and I'm finding it hard to get a new car...nobody will give me a loan because I have no credit history anymore! And I thought I'd just buy a cheap car until I got settled, so I was chuffed when I saw an ad up in the PCC for this $350 Toyota. So I've been driving "the Beast" since September (`07)...was supposed to only be six weeks but you know how time flies like an arrow when you're having fun (And fruit flies like a garbage truck).

Anyhow now it's so funny I am getting attached to the damn thing. I'm learning to revel in the POS car. For example, who's going to steal it? So what if I spill something? Oh! You dinged it? Who cares! You could not possibly fuck this car up any more than it is already. And IT STILL RUNS. Starts every time, runs like a lawnmower on speed, corners like it's on rails, & tops out at about 85mph. 275,000 miles...they need to put my ass in a commercial.

I know how to feel about it....OH! What a feeling! Toyota!

The Beast `a Deux:

...SO I finally upgraded to the previously mentioned KIA (actually I'm two cars past that now - wait for my upcoming blog on my emerging lesbianism/Subaru purchase). And I wanted to sell "The Beast". I drove it for over a year and it was good to me. I took care of it, fed it oil & gas, changed its fluids, it deserved a good home. So I thought, "Hey! I'll post it on Craigslist!" Wow. What an eye-opener.

So, apparently, there's this "financial crisis" or something? And a lot of people lost their jobs and homes and need cheaper cars and stuff. Thus creating a HUGE market for a POS car that actually runs like a lawnmower on speed.

Well, after driving The Beast for a year and taking good care of it, I was curious as to just how much it might be worth...was $350 a steal or a rip-off? What about one year and a case of oil later? Well say there, sports fans, did you know there is no data on KBB for cars over a certain age? Apparently the depreciation is right through the floor! I literally scoured the internet for a valuation for a 1984 Toyota of any kind and was rewarded with nothing but carpal tunnel syndrome. So I thought, heck, I'll just make up a wacky price and let people negotiate me down. I listed it almost exactly as I described it in Part One, above, with an asking price of $600 (I was fully prepared to be talked down to $350 and would have taken less).

Within ONE HOUR of posting the ad, I had recieved several emails and one young man was imminently arriving to take a look and a test-drive. During the drive, I was fielding calls from other interested buyers literally begging me not to sell the car to anyone but them. Three guys were having a bidding war over my Beast, each one trying to one-up themselves in my eyes to the extent that they very nearly got into a fight and I was offered up to $850 for the damn thing. I said, "Did you READ the ad?? it's a POS CAR!" But apparently, due to the economy, having a cheap car that runs is a valuable commodity. There is no way my conscience would allow me to take $850 for that car...but I did take $550, from the first guy who came with CA$H. And everybody was happy, and my little car got adopted by the son of a Toyota mechanic who could fix her oil leak! The car was gone from my life within two hours of posting the ad. I was kinda sad to see 'er go. So, farewell, my lil' ass-dragger, and happy trails.

...And we all lived happilly ever after! THE END

9. Who you are makes a difference to me

Somebody sent me an email today called "Who you are makes a difference to me". It started me thinking about people who made a difference to me. Turns out there is a common denominator in a lot of them. It's Korea. There should be a game like Six Degrees of Separation but for things instead of people. Like Korea. It might sound funny, especially to those of you who know me, but Korea has really affected my life in some profound ways. Sometimes I hated Korea. Sometimes I thought it was awesome. But I have made my peace with Korea and all the things that came out of it. I am grateful for the ways it has affected me... 

1. Lots of stuff is made in Korea, most notably the car I now drive, a Kia. A fine, stylin' ride, to be sure. Hey, it ain't much but it's paid for and it's mine and I'm glad to have wheels. Many things I like are made in Korea, like Samsung products (that would include my last three cell phones, three TVs, a DVD player and my external CD/DVD drive for my PC). 

 2. My uncle fought in the Korean War. Another man also fought there. He married a Korean woman there and they made one of the best things to come out of Korea, one of my oldest and dearest friends, Lisa. 

 3. Lisa and I have two separate matching tattoos. It will be a part of me forever because of Korea.

 4. Lisa taught me about Kimchee and Korean food, which I still love. There is nothing like Bi Bim Bap on a cold day, for breakfast luch OR dinner. Hue Dup Bap is my favorite thing to eat on Earth.

5. I went to high school with a Korean girl named [bitchface]. She was nasty to me in school, but I didn't hate her because she was Korean, I hated her because she was mean. She was rude and called me names and had a shitty attitude. 

 6. I had a crush on a guy in high school. 17 years after we ate lunch together every day in school, he hunted me down on Myspace and pursued me romantically, professing his undying love. We planned to buy a house, get married, and spend our lives together. Since we went to the same high school, we discussed former classmates and had fun looking them up on Myspace. One of the people who found us was the erstwhile [bitchface], who, as it turned out, had had a math class with my love. Four months later, he dumped me by email...for her! A year later, they got married. I really hate [bitchface]. But, he cheated on me with her, he cheated on his previous girlfriend with me, and he cheated on that girl too, so no doubt he will cheat on Mrs. Bitcface as well. I still fail to comprehend how he could have liked two women who are so different. However, the one good thing about [bitchface] is that she saved me from winding up married to that asshole. Apparently, they have been happy together this whole time, so good on them. What can I say? My life turned out pretty fucking awesome, so I have no regrets. But, when I think about how he dumped me by email out of the blue with no explanation, I remember vividly how much it hurt, and the fact that my rival was someone with whom I had unpleasant experiences just added insult to injury. 

7. So I threw myself into my work and I got promoted to a new ship that wound up going...to Korea. Pusan, to be precise. It was a great cultural experience and the Korean people were very nice. I was heartbroken for a long time and remained single for a long time. 

 8. I found solace, eventually, once I came back to Texas. In the arms of a very nice man who had recently moved back to the US from...Korea, of all places, where he lived for 10 years. Which he left because he finally ended it with...a Korean woman. We were both former ex-pats reassimilating to the US, and we consoled each other with Dr. Pepper, cigarrettes, tears, and a little lovin'. I decided to leave the US again, whereas he stayed in Austin. 

 9. I wound up dating a guy named Michael. I would not have had the pleasure of knowing him at all were it not for his divorce. Michael's ex-wife is Korean.  

10. I love Korea, its people, and its culture. Nothing but good has come out of it for me. Including my first date with Michael, which happened at a Korean restaurant (Blue Ginger, in Kirkland). That was a magical night and a great first date story. 

11. So I left the job of my dreams to move to a new city where I don't know anyone just so I can pursue a relationship with Michael. He travels for a living, and I didn't completely change my life so I could never see him because he's on the road all the time. So, I got a job doing what he does...as a sales rep, for a company whose products are manufactured where? That's right...Korea.

12. Korea also produced one of the first female friends I made in the place I moved to. 

13. We like to watch comedy on TV. My favorite comedienne is Margaret Cho, who happens to be Korean, as is Esther Ku, two funny ladies. 

14. It didn't work out for us; Michael and I split. He eventually got married to someone else, and his wife is... Korean!

15. I eventually married the guy from #8. You can read all about that debacle elsewhere in this blog.

16. I was lying in bed one night just thinking about how many intersections I have with Korean things and people, and I thought, well you can find connections like that anywhere if you look. So I started really thinking about how other countries might have affected me. I couldn't come up with more than three or four things about any other country. Instead, I wound up finding yet another connection I have to Korea: The most commonly practiced religion in Korea is Mahayana Buddhism. If I were forced to select a religion to align with, it would have to be Buddhism or Judaism. I've studied vipassana mediation and there are many Buddhist principles that resonate with me. 

So there. 16 intersections or associations seem like a lot to me, and several of these intersections were quite profound in my life. 

To Korea and all its people, I say thank you. 

Who you are makes a difference to me.

8. Menage `a blog

Ha ha gotcha! You thought this was going to be about sex because of the little french wordplay, right??? Well not quite, but glad I piqued your interest somehow. In fact, this is yet another post dedicated to the precursor to sex...dating. Or at least, a letter to the proliferation of internet daters in cyberspace... 

 Dear Men of Internet Dating: It is not awesome to write a one-sentence email to a stranger(if "your hot - let's sext" is considered a sentence even, I'm not sure). This bugs the hell out of me. I mean, I do appreciate the interest and I don't mean to sound disingenuous, but let's be realistic. I have taken a lot of time to create my profile and write blogs that let anyone interested know exactly who I am, and I know what qualities I want in a friend or partner. If you look at any of what I've written, you might deduce that I'm a woman of some substance (I'm not sure yet exactly what the substance is...it's a bit sticky...), and you can see right away if you fit the bill (or not). So what makes you think you're going to get any kind of favorable response from me when your query reads like you're being charged $100 a word to write, " Hey what's up? Write me if you wanna chat." Well, ask yourself, Studly Dudley, exactly what would make me want to respond to that? Especially if your profile is very vague, you have no/few pictures, and you haven't written any journal posts. There isn't much for me to get interested in besides maybe the fact that you are male (maybe!, and you know how to operate your camera phone in the bathroom (tip: flush first). If that's all you are looking for in a woman, skip the whole internet thing and just wait outside your neighborhood 7-11 until some chick walks up to buy a pack of smokes. Not that you asked for advice, but you did request a response (write me). If you want me (or anyone) to be interested in responding to you, you may wish to give a little more detail about yourself in your profile or blogs and help us figure out why we might be interested in getting to know you better (like, you're really into Guns N Ammo, you have an impressive belly-button lint collection, you can open a beer bottle with your toes, etc). I can understand your profile may be bereft of detail to increase your privacy, so perhaps your introductory email could have more to say, because I have plenty of actual friends to "chat" with and I have no interest in wasting time dithering around with a conversationally-impaired mental midget who just wants to stroke one off while dreaming of the day he might get that chick outside the 7-11 to buy him a six-pack. Here's an idea: write something interesting (and true - that's important) about yourself - just a few paragraphs about what you like (music, sports, whatever...it's a personal AD, that stands for "advertisement", so advertise yourself like a product on TV in a way that would make a woman - ostensibly me - want to jump up and email you! Pretend you're Billy Mays Hays, before the suitcase fell on his head). Then email it to yourself. Save the email. The next time you want to write a chick you don't know, copy the body of this email and paste it into the email you want to write to her. Write a new first paragraph introducing yourself and personalize it to her. This should increase your success rate exponentially, if only because you have actually given the target of your affections something to "chat" to you about. After all, if you aren't able to extend even a little bit of yourself in the anonymity of the internet, how can a woman hope to derive any level of intimacy with you necessary for any kind of relationship development? I know, it's a concept hard for you to fathom, so just take my word for it. I wish you the best of luck in your endeavors. And please, for God's sake, if you DO happen to score (online, or at the 7-11), PLEASE wear a condom. We don't want you to reproduce. Best Regards, The Women of Internet Dating